Matchmaking 101 - Office Hours with Lisa Clampitt

When To Have Sex With The New Guy You Want To Date

whentohavesexWithout a doubt relationship-oriented single ladies have lots of questions in the early stages of dating. From what to wear on the first date to when to text him back, they want to do everything they possibly can to move things forward with the new guy they really like. Perhaps, the biggest question on their mind: When should you sleep with a guy for the first time?

If you ask ten people for dating advice, you might get ten different answers. It is a good idea to consider the opinions of others and then ultimately make the decision that is best for you. Weighing the pros and cons always helps, too. In that spirit, I have teamed up with Mike Goldstein of EZ Dating Coach to offer you the He Said/She Said expert perspective. Here’s what we have to say:

On when relationship-oriented women should have sex for the first time

He Said: I think they should have sex after commitment/monogamy is firmly in place and both parties are 100% comfortable with the idea of having sex.

Science has proven that men know if they will fall in love on average after 3 dates. Thus, some men will be willing to commit very quickly. If commitment happens on date 4, followed by sex on the end of date 4, it is possible that both parties didn’t truly get to know each other and now may remain in a relationship that is based on initial chemistry/lust instead of a rock solid foundation built upon core values and similar beliefs. Thus, I think what may be more helpful is determining exactly what you need in a life partner and then ensuring your guy has it and vice versa. If these core values are satisfied and both of you want to commit to each other, I think having sex should be very fulfilling and hopefully just the beginning of a flourishing relationship.

I 100% agree with Patti Stanger’s “no sex before monogamy rule”. If you are truly looking for love and a long term committed relationship you should wait until you truly know the person and know you want to be with that person and no one else.

She Said: The bottom line is that it all depends on the type of guys you are generally attracted to and date. If you are attracted to players then the rules of engagement are important. You need rules in place to make sure you are on the same commitment page. But if you tend to choose a relationship-oriented guy, then it does not matter when you have sex. If you have the same values and goals in life and are attracted to each other, a relationship-oriented guy wants a relationship. Sleeping with him on date one or date ten is less relevant, as he usually dates one person at a time and wants a girlfriend. Timing is less important.

On the pros and cons of women having sex in the early stages of dating

He Said: On the positive side, sex sometimes breaks down communication boundaries and allows people to open up. If good sex is in your top 5 must haves, at least you find out early if he satisfies your needs. Also, there is hopefully an orgasm or two. (I hear they are enjoyable!)

As for the cons, women typically enjoy sex more when the emotional connection is highly established and strong. Without a strong connection, of course, some men will vanish after sex. (A lengthy courting process usually weeds out the pretenders) Men actually want to court, chase, and eventually feel like they were able to get the girl. If there isn’t a little challenge involved they may move onto the next one. One last thought: At age 16, you can’t wait to get your driver’s license. At age 20 you can’t wait to turn 21 so you can drink legally. In your 30’s, 40’s there isn’t some major life event you are waiting for. However, it can feel pretty darn special to have sex with that one person you have been waiting date after date to finally take the plunge with. Don’t cheat yourself of the anticipation, the butterflies, and the wonderful uncertainty of the moments where it may or may not happen.

She Said: The pro are if you are both relationship oriented, it psychologically seals the deal and you feel more comfortable” claiming your person”.

The cons are, if you suck at choosing good people to date and you sleep with them too soon, you can catch diseases, get heartbroken, feel disrespected and waste your time. So it again comes down to choosing wisely. No matter what you do and how you play it, a player is a player and likes the chase and in the end is not the recommended partner for life. So even if you get them into the relationship, if you had to do “the chase” then when the heck are you going to be able to relax and feel secure? Do you always have to be the unavailable mystery person to keep their interest? On the other hand, a relationship person is in it for the long haul and will work hard to keep the relationship going for life. So stop worrying about timing and playing games, and spend your time tweaking your taste to a good old relationship oriented person that you will love and will love you forever. Its time and energy better spent.

Photo credit: Matt Romack Photography / CC BY