Matchmaking 101 - Office Hours with Lisa Clampitt

How To Spot A Relationship Guy vs. A Player

Is this guy a player or a keeper?A few weeks ago I mentioned that I have the ability to spot relationship-oriented guys from a mile away. I also am very skilled at spotting a player—someone who is not open to having a committed relationship.

Since spotting a nice guy is a key aspect to finding a lasting relationship, and something so many women struggle with, I thought I would take some time to divulge how you can master this skill too.

How to spot “Relationship Guy”

When you walk into a bar, coffee shop, party, etc., look around for the guy who is:

  • A little quieter than the rest – he may be off sitting in a corner
  • Shy and doesn’t approach people right away
  • Perhaps a little awkward at first
  • Not the smoothest talker

These kinds of guys love it when a woman approaches them first. Because they are afraid of being rejected by women, they often won’t do it themselves. Don’t let this turn you off! Use it as a guide for how to find the nice guys rather than judging it as a non alpha male thing to do.

How to spot a “Player”

Look around the room. If you see someone who is:

  • Dressed to the nines (even if it is sneakers and a t-shirt– he looks really good!)
  • A smooth talker
  • Constantly looking around and scoping out the joint
  • Approaching multiple women with tons of confidence

… they are probably a player. These guys have had a lot of practice meeting women, which means they have gotten very good at it. A lot of women fall for the trap of being attracted to this dapper, smooth talking, confident guy. BEWARE! These guys are not wired for long term, committed relationships.

When you talk to “Relationship Guy”

He tends to:

  • Be nervous
  • Act a little surprised to be approached in such a positive way
  • Talk about himself a bit because he is nervous
  • Drop the ball on getting you a drink right away because he is so excited you came over

Don’t be turned off by these few quirks. Just know that he is a sweet guy who needs his confidence built up a bit!

When you talk to a “Player”

He tends to:

  • Approach you first
  • Make eye contact and have his go to talking points down to a science
  • Give excellent complements
  • Be extra attentive and grab you a drink right away

Some of these things might be attractive to you and turn you on, but don’t be fooled! The reason these guys are so smooth is because they have had a LOT of practice at this first meeting, it’s the relationship skills they lack.


The reason relationship guys are less smooth than players is because they are used to being in relationship. Meeting new women is foreign to them; don’t fault them for it. Look past the awkward first interaction and find out who they really are to see if there is a love connection. If you see a glimmer of something, scoop him up fast! Relationship guys are never on the market for long