The Men's Room - Love and Relationship Advice From a Man For Women

Why Men Pull Away And How To Pull Them Back

men pull awaySo you’re dating a guy.

On paper things seem to be going fine. Everything is great. You’re meeting, you’re talking, you’re hanging, you’re enjoying his company. The attraction is building inside you.

You’re starting to like him. Alright, maybe you’re getting a little nervous. Maybe you have one or two freak out moments.

Maybe you tell him something one afternoon when you’re hanging out. You feel close to him and you feel attracted to him and you’d like to kiss him and then all of a sudden you look at him and say I don’t know what I want right now.

It comes out of left field and the guy just sits there and shakes his head like a bobble head doll because he doesn’t know what the fuck to say. He’s seen women like you freak out over and over again, so he just deals with it.

The next day you’re calling him and texting him and you want to see him again and he’s like — great, she just had a moment.

What do you when he has his moments? His moments are more subliminal. Your moments are these occasional freak outs.

You’ll sleep with him and you’ll have that freak out moment because you enjoyed it so much but you’re not quite sure if he felt the same way. So you look at him and say maybe we slept together too early. And he has to say – don’t worry about it, we didn’t.

It’s absolutely amazing and beautiful and it makes you feel great. So then you bring out the vixen and you’re having great sex with the guy and you’re starting to breathe into the relationship.

You’re okay now. The freak outs aren’t happening. You’re actually enjoying this man.

Then something happens one day. He doesn’t text you all day long and you think… hmm, this is out of character

You don’t hear from him. Now it’s 8.00pm and the neurotic you comes kicking right back and you’re like I haven’t heard from him all day long.

So you call your friend and you say listen, I have no idea what’s going on. I know he said he had a meeting today, but usually he calls me after a meeting or texts me. I knew I shouldn’t have slept with him. And then you start going through this whole thing.

What happened is that he had his freak out moment. He’s not going to sit there in a car or sit there at a rest stop with you and say, well gee, I don’t know if I can really date you right now.

Here’s what’s going through his brain.

It’s called the process of elimination.

Usually men meet women when they’re on a high. The reason you met him and you find him so dynamic is because he’s probably got his testosterone levels up and his hormones are kicking in.

He’s super sexy right now and he’s connecting with lots of women. They all desire him and you just smell it. It’s primal and unreal and he connects with you and he’s on a roll.

Men call it a streak. They’ve met so many women and each woman just gets better and better and better until all of a sudden he meets one that just blows him away.

But it becomes this process. He realizes that the streak is going to have to end. He’s going to have to retire from the seduction streak he’s been on. He’s going to have to retire from all these women he’s been courting.

Even if he hasn’t been sleeping with all of them, he’s still got to quit. He thinks to himself, is this the best I can do?

That’s how men think. They think I’ve been on this streak, there’s got to be somebody else who’s going to wow me.

So he gives in. He knows you’re the best but the process of elimination is freaking him the fuck out, and he can’t tell you because he’ll look like a total asshole.

He can’t say… you know, I was having this really big hot streak when I met you. I was meeting lots of women and I had like 10 phone numbers and I was texting all these women and then you came along.

He can’t say, I met you during one of the hottest streaks I’ve ever had. You know, he feels like Tom Brady on the field, like he’s going for another Super Bowl. Then you came along. He was about to go score Tom Brady’s wife.

That’s what he feels like. He’s into you, trust me. He does like you. He definitely likes you. There’s no bullshit. The sex was really fantastic. It kind of blew him away. The connection you’re having is really blowing him away. He’s got feelings for you. They’re real.

But he’s about to freak the fuck out.

He’s not like you. You just say a sentence, you share your freak out in the moment, and he looks at you and doesn’t say a word. His freak out is a little more painful for you. Yours are just words that you emote, and then you calm yourself down. By the time you get home, or maybe the next morning, you’re fine.

He gets triggered by a friend. His friend will say, you know, you’re on a hot streak.

He’ll think to himself, man, you’re right, this is the biggest hot streak I’ve ever had in my entire life. She’s pretty amazing but I am on a streak. Am I sure I want to quit right now?

Is she really as amazing as I think? I mean, Jesus, she is pretty hot. You know, we had great sex, and we really connected, and she’s like an amazing friend, and I could really see having a relationship with her.

Then this is what he does.

He just pulls the fuck back.

He goes into that cave and shuts the door. He will be home one day. He won’t text you. He’ll just stare at the walls all day long. You think he’s busy, but he’s not busy.

He’s just freaking the fuck out.

He is in his house, pacing, saying, oh my God, what am I doing? I’m actually falling for this girl. I can’t believe I’m falling for this girl. What am I going to do? I’m losing my mind.

You’re texts come in. He sees them and thinks to himself, I can’t respond to that right now. I can’t give into that. I don’t know what to do, and I can’t explain to her why I’m pulling back, because I don’t really want to pull back. I’m really enjoying being vulnerable with her. And if I explain it to her, I’m going to look like an asshole.

So the next time you’re dating a guy, and he goes into a cave, allow him to go into the cave. Forty-eight hours is usually what it takes.

If he disappears for longer than 48 hours, he’s an asshole.

If he’s 72 hours in the cave he’s a prick. But allow him to be in the cave.

All you need to do is send him one little text that will bring him back out of the cave.

Make sure there’s nothing erotic in the text, and nothing needy. Even though you might be freaking out and you might think this great new relationship is about to end, it really isn’t going to end.

You need to send him this one simple text. This text will bring him out of the cave:

Just thinking about you. Hope everything is great for you today.

Oh, she’s thinking about me. It triggers his brain. Hope everything’s great for me today. I’m a neurotic fucking mess in my cave right now, but that’s okay, I can deal with it. She’s thinking about me.

That’s all you need to do. And just wait. Let him text you back. He’ll call you. He’ll come out of that cave. This may be the first time he goes into the cave but it won’t be the only time.

He will do it on many occasions moving forward in the relationship.

This is the first of many trips into the cave, and all you need to say is I understand.

Saying I’m thinking about you means you understand. Thinking about him drives him nuts, because every single time you’ve thought about him it’s lead to that hot, passionate sex you have had, and that hot passionate connection you have had.

Telling him you’re thinking about him triggers that caveman inside him. It makes him want to come out of the cave and reclaim you.

That’s all it is.

Enjoy the men’s side of neurosis.


7 Responses to Why Men Pull Away And How To Pull Them Back

  1. Blondie02 says:

    Wow I used to date guys like this. When I was reading a lot I honestly thought that Patti was going to say that he was taking time to think he needed space, he was not sure if he was ready to give up his singledom I was really on board with everything she was saying until the part where he was hooking up and sleeping with multiple women in addition to you, and just did not want to tell you that, and then I was like okay no. I agree that women once they sleep with a man get insecure and afraid and then start to freak out over dumb stuff thinking the man is not texting them or acting oddly, when normally he’s really just sitting at home or busy. So we should not act all crazy. But I disagree that all men are acting like this. I think we women need to give men a bit more credit than this. I did used to think all men were like this until I men one that was not. They are not.

  2. SarahDeelaney says:

    Women- don’t sleep with him until he is in a committed relationship with you. Any sooner and he realizes, “wow, I had this without commitment, maybe there are others out there just the same.” Make him work for it and realize that sleeping with you is about valuing you, your body, your feelings and your future with him.

    Mature men don’t hide in caves for hours, they communicate their feelings and then you understand why they need time to sort things out. And, you lovingly give them time with their thoughts if it is reasonable. And men truly in love don’t need days to figure it out apart from you and ignore your texts.

    And women don’t need to be chasing a man ever. If he doesn’t initiate chatting back and forth and disappears when you ask him a question and there is no reasonable explanation (like work meetings, etc.) move on. He’s not worth it. The more distance he creates, the more likely he is looking at other options. You need a man who sees you as the ONLY option forever.

    If he is struggling with whether he loves you or not, he already knows the answer. And so do you.

  3. Ct says:

    What if he stays in his cave for 5 days? He started slowing his texts the week prior. He scheduled back to back dates and then wanted to cancel the last date (which I was cool about). That’s when he started withdrawing. I didn’t hear from him in two days and sent the “just thinking about you…”. He responded immediately and said he missed me. He pulled away again and after a few days he sent me a text first thing in the morning and I told him I liked getting good mornings from him. He said that he was glad I liked them and it made him happy. Now it’s been 5 days and no word and I haven’t reached out. Do they come back or have I been ghosted.

    • trillviaplath says:

      You’re on a roster, and you’ve been ghosted. If you hadn’t hit him up he’d be gone with the wind. He’s responding to you because you sound dejected, so he’s doing just enough to be “nice” and keep you in case of an emergency -since he’s still single.

  4. Denny_Lilly1 says:

    Thank you.

  5. Gina says:

    My situation is a bit different. I’m not looking for a relationship and I don’t think he is. But, it all started off as a one night stand. I didn’t think I was going to hear from him but he texted me the next day and we had small talk. He then texted me every day after that and even wanted to take me out to dinner two days after hooking up. I declined but said we could see each other the next week. We did and things went great. He’s 14 years younger than me and I’m an older lady that is emotionally secure and I’ve been honest of what I want from him and it appears we were on the same page. Since our second night out together, he has asked me to see him every day after that. I even sleep at his house which I won’t be doing for now on. I try not to see him every day because I don’t want this “situation” to get out of hand but believe me, sex with him is mind blowing and he said he feels the same. We are both highly attracted to each other and have fun when we go out together. We also do a lot of conversations at his place too, it’s just not all about sex. Yup, as you can see, boundaries are getting pretty blurry but still, I assume we are on the same page with FWB status. Just two days ago, he held me and told me he really likes me. He’s very affectionate as well while we are together. He’s only in his twenties so I just figured the reason why he’s touchy and affectionate is due to his hormones. Last night, we both said we missed each other. He said he has a great time with me and loves being with me. I responded with that I have fun with him and think its cool that we have a very casual no stress thing going on. We had plans to see each other later tonight but I have a feeling he’s pulling away. He doesn’t text as much and I’m now the one that seems to initiate the texts for the past two days. I assured him in my text that I wasn’t planning on sleeping over this time because of (add excuse xyz). Like I said, I want to keep things casual but I do have so much fun with him that I don’t mind seeing him a few times a week. He hasn’t responded and it’s been 8 hours. I’m guessing he’s in his “cave” or found someone new. Idk, but he kept on saying how much he has a fun time with me and I honestly do too but why not just keep doing what we were doing? He knows I don’t want a commitment with him as I’m older and direct with my emotions. Maybe he’s not comfortable with my age? He said earlier it wasn’t a big deal. I would hate to miss out on a good FWB situation because it’s been great for me!

  6. Please help New answer this question, My boyfriend and I are currently in a long distance relationship. (He was studying but now he is done).We have been dating for 4 years now. We obviously have our arguments here and there and most times I tell myself I should be the bigger person, and accept to take blame and apologise. I’m not perfect, there are so many things I probably do wrong that irritate him, but sometimes I feel like I get blamed a lot, yet it’s really not my fault.

    So fast forward to last week, it was graduation week and I was very excited and proud of him. I hadnt spoken to him the whole day, so i really wanted to ask questions about how touring with his family went (his family visited and they toured, so we didn’t have a lot of time to talk). He only gave me two minutes and I was asking about how the day went, he said “aarghh you ask very unnecessary questions”. I don’t know if I was emotional but I coiled and just said bye. The following day, he called in the morning, I brushed off how he made me feel and answered in a good mood. He did shout at me again saying “arrgghh”…i was so confused and pissed, so I sent him a message and let him know that his actions of acting like I irritated him hurt my feelings. He replied by telling me that maybe I need space. (But that’s not what I said😐). So again, I got over it (I easily get over my anger btw) and talked to him minimally obviously as he was occupied with his family.

    On Monday, (his family had left) he asked if he could see my body, I declined, because I really wasnt in the mood.. .and then he said that he wanted to tell me something that he had realised. He said, “I feel like you get jealous when Im hanging with my friends and family because I’m not giving you attention. This really scares me for our future”😩

    Bruh? How? How did the weekend’s shenanigans become my fault? I asked….i read in the book that i had to set boundaries, lest i become depressed…so i told him my feelings and how i was hurt and how he knows i dont like being shouted at…i went further and said how I was tired of pretending and being a punching bag…and how he has to start acknowledging responsibility for his fault in arguments. After I was done he still said that he thinks his position OF me being jealous was true.. .was he honestly listening to me? Anyways so we said our good nights. In the morning I texted him good morning and he didnt reply the whole day. So I texted him this message today.

    “Hey Tom, hope you are doing okay. I’m just texting to clarify that the conversation we had on Monday was not me rejecting you, or telling you that you are worthless; i was merely relaying my feelings. I realised that I was not compassionate and constructive in my criticism as I thought I was, and for that I deeply apologise. I am happy with you. I totally understand that you need some time alone to think and re-evaluate. Take all the time you need, and be assured, that I will always be here, loyal and in love with you.

    Have a lovely day.”

    He saw it, and blueticked me. He is ignoring me. I know I wasn’t in the wrong. Is this a cave situation? My plan is not to text again but will he come back? Has the rubber band snapped?

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