Millionaire Matchmaker

It’s never too late: Finding love after 40

Did you catch us as guest experts on Millionaire Matchmaker? We’re here to give you more advice on PattiKnows because it’s really never too late to find love.

We are all told that if we want a great career, we have to set goals and work at it. If we want to be healthy and fit, we have to eat consciously and be purposeful about it. Yet regarding the most important aspect of it all — love — we are constantly sold a ridiculous myth that it will all fall into place, accidentally and magically.

Love, like anything we desire in our lives, requires intentional action. We can’t expect it to happen by reading more articles on the internet. We can’t expect it to happen by sitting at home and visualizing our ideal mate and then turning on the TV and veg-ing out for the night. We simply can’t expect it to happen when we least expect it.

One of the biggest blocks to finding love, as you get older, is all of the experiences you’ve had that have been, well, rather disappointing. Your heart has been broken, perhaps you’ve been cheated on (or you’ve been the cheater) or you feel that you just have too much baggage to make a relationship really work.

We have successfully assisted numerous singles in our relationship coaching practice, and we’re asked constantly — is it too late for me to find love? This question is asked from people in their 30’s all the way up to their 60’s — all of them believing that because they haven’t found lasting love yet, that it may not be in the cards for them. This is the one myth we’d love to bust for all of you!

The truth is that we have all learned to receive love in our family of origin — we call this your Love Imprint.  Maybe your father only gave you affection when you achieved something, and now you feel like you have to prove your worthiness for love. Maybe your mother was sick and you had to take care of her, and now you are resentful that you give too much.  Maybe your parents told you that your feelings didn’t matter, and now you struggle with expressing yourself and asking for what you need.

Your Love Imprint affects your behavior on the subconscious level; however, it doesn’t mean that we are doomed to repeat the same pattern over and over. One of the benefits of being older is that we can more readily recognize the pattern that our Love Imprint has created.

The first step to creating love on purpose is to take intentional action toward creating it, and that means accepting that you are the common denominator in all of your relationships. This point of view is only possible when we are older and wiser. As Steve Jobs said, “We can only connect the dots looking backward.”

If you have decided that now is the time to get purposeful and intentional about love, here is a list of things that you can do regardless of your age to create love now:

  • Take an inventory of your past relationships. How long did they last? Who initiated the break-ups? Rate your attraction/attachment on a scale of 1-10. Look for any patterns that you see repeated.
  • Clear out any attachments to anyone from the past. Release them. Forgive them, heal your heart and move on.
  • Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner. Focus on their values rather than how they look or what they have. Now be completely honest with yourself — do you have this quality? (We can only attract what we ourselves possess.)
  • See yourself with your soul mate. What does it feel like to be together? Imagine and believe that you already have what you desire.

We started dating and got married after 40, and many people have told us that we were “lucky.” The truth is, we both made plenty of mistakes in relationship. In fact, we often joke that we became relationship experts because between the two of us we had made most of the mistakes one can make in love.

The truth is we both did the inner work required of us to be open to receive love, and we are confident that you can too! There is an old saying that goes, “If you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.” If you continue the same dating patterns, looking for love in the same places, how can you expect to have a different outcome? Take a class in something new, join a different online dating site or work with a coach or matchmaker.

In order to do things differently when it comes to love, you have to let go of the old way that is not serving you.  Rather than feeling powerless to create love, access the part of you that knows you create your own reality, and stand in your power to bring in your Beloved.

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33 Responses to It’s never too late: Finding love after 40

  1. kelly colucci says:

    I am madly in “like” with Denise Richard’s dad. I have been looking for someone just like him. I was married for 16 years, divorced for 18. I have 3 awesome kids, 24,28,32. I have 3 gorgeous grandkids. I have and love traveling the world. My life is happy spending times with the kids. But, alas, I am missing my mate. I loved being married. I had a relationship recently that was amazing. Unfortunately he passed away from cancer. I am Swedish, blond, blue eyes and a normal happy gal. I own my own condo in a beautiful Country Club in the Desert. I am 53 come April. I love Art, music, traveling. Family! He is so awesome and what I have looked for. I would love to meet him. Kelly

  2. Ms. Thomas says:

    Thank you for this article. Not enough information or attention can be found for the older wiser dating crowd. I appreciated the thought and effort in this article above.

  3. Susana Heuer says:

    I am a single 06-04-1968, i have no kids, i am a hard working person, graduated in Hotel management, i grew up in a nice family, but live took a turn in me, and i never find anyone to have a family with, i got merry, and my husband left for his ex-wive, i am ready to have some one that make me feel wanted love and respect, i am Venezuelan, been living here since 1981, i was in 5th grade when my dad brought us here, i want to be love and love back.
    thanks
    susana

  4. Cindy Murphy says:

    Patti,
    You ROCK GIRL!! Love the show! You look fantastic!
    You are truly and inspiration to women and yes…to love!
    What I would like to know is: when there are men on the show and
    they didn’t find their match…how and is there a possibility of meeting
    them if we are interested?
    Also, have you ever considered opening an office in another state? I have the sales ability and people skills (of course…leaving it to you in the
    matchmaking department). Just thought I would ask!

    Thanks

  5. Cindy Murphy says:

    Destin & Rachel,

    You guys are so awesome! Congrats on getting married and your son is absolutely adorable!
    Love the show, keep up the awesome work!

    I am about the same age as Patti, I am one of those that wonders if true love
    with a great guy is really out there after 50? What is your take on it?
    I sent a message to Patti but will also ask you…if there is someone on the
    show that the “match” didn’t work, is there and how would I possibly meet them? Just asking!!

    Thanks

  6. M H says:

    For some, this just isn’t true, sad to say. For various reasons, if you haven’t ‘failed’ at love, (As in you ‘waited’ too long, or tried the bar scene, or whatever other reasons) then took a break at the mess(And admit it, the ‘bar’ scene IS a mess, personally i just can’t understand why young people find it so interesting, I hated that time in my youth) at one point, its just simply past your time.

    When you get near 40, you just realize that there is no point, in that the only ‘matches’ your good for are just the type you are trying to avoid. Its a trap that a HUGE portion of those searching get stuck into(IE women who always pick the same ‘jerks’ or guys who seem to always snag the ‘easy’ girls, etc)

    So I hate to disagree, but yes, it IS too late if you haven’t at least ‘tried’ what you aimed for… to ‘jump’ into the dating scene this late will only make your heart break more, best to just realize that for some, not all, loneliness is our only companion. To do otherwise is just to keep repeating the same mistakes over again.

    • Tanya says:

      So if we’re over 40 we should just roll up and die? You get what you expect. If you expect for old patterns to repeat and nothing to change, that’s exactly what will happen. How dour your outlook is! I just turned 41 and am getting back into the dating scene after a 6 year break, where I focused on my young child. I have no doubt whatsoever that I will meet a fabulous man- because I expect no less.
      I feel sorry for you, you sound very stuck.

  7. Jeremy Boggess (Penis) says:

    Angela, from the episode with women with type A personalities seemed to really want to meet me. I know you (Patti) have issues with shorter men but, I found Angela (with red hair, yellow dress, and wanted to meet the someone like the “Penis” very attractive. Why not let her meet the real original one. She likes short men and I love tall women. I live in Coeur d’ Alene, Idaho. Did you forward the profile to her that I sent you? Thank you Jeremy – Jboggess (@) bossig (dot) com – P.S. I do exist

  8. Sally says:

    I am 26 years old and have been casually seeing a guy that is 36 since October.We have so much in common, I feel like he could be the one, my best friend. However, he has an ex-wife who really hurt him by cheating and then taking his house and kids away. His time seems to be spent mostly drinking with friends that are married and/or have kids. He is really kind once you get past the exterior hillarious side of him. He is the life of every party and is invited everywhere.
    So the problem is, I asked him where he sees himself in 5 years and he said, “Dead.”
    What the heck? He is a bit of a jokester however, I am afraid he really isn’t healthy enough and might “actually” die in 5 years.
    Or maybe he is still depressed even tho his ex left more than 5 years ago. He told me our relationship was a marathon not a sprint. But I don’t want to be wasting my time. What do I do?

    • suzanne says:

      OMG, sweetie. Drop this guy. Nobody takes “the kids away.” He forfeited them because he doesn’t want to be a dad. Sorry. Take it from a 50 yr old who’s seen a lot . . . Good luck. There are good guys out there!

    • evil llama says:

      Drop him now!!!!!!!!! He is stringing you along. Don’t waste your youth.

  9. Elle says:

    I am a single girl and have been in long term relationships, but never married. Patti said, at the end of a recent episode, that anal sex is for when you’re married. My question is, is this really that important? For me, this is something I’ve never been interested in but is this required for a happy marriage??

    • Marta S. says:

      Hi Elle;

      Same here, its not for everyone, its not in some of the ancient texts either. Hopefully we can find sweethearts not into that..

    • BillK says:

      Been in LTRs and married.

      Never had anal sex, never had any interest in it.

      I’ve never understood the appeal when there is a much more appealing opening but a few inches away. 🙂

  10. Cindy says:

    Patti,

    I am a professional RN , 5’8, in shape and vibrant who went to a matchmaker in Long Island and never got one single appropriate match. I was told I wasw too tall, too old and hard to match. Wish she could have learned from you. All this left me with is even more apprehensions and sadness about ever finding my match, 55 is not even in the game.

  11. Rocio says:

    Hola Patti,
    He visto tu programa hoy y sencillamente he quedado impresionada, tengo 51 años y considero que estoy estupenda, me encantaría que hicieras un programa en Marbella, España y poder conocerte personalmente para que me ayudes a encontrar mi media naranja que aún no he encontrado.

    Espero conocerte pronto!!

    Saludos,
    Rocío

  12. Sheila says:

    Where does a 70 yr. old attractive woman, 5’8″, find an attractive man? I’ve been on all the dating sites and joined a matchmaking agency as well?

  13. kimberly says:

    Im 42 y/o, majority of my girlfriends are all 10 too 11 years younger than me. Not that I couldn’t find women my age that I liked, but at time we had nothing in common. I married and divorced young. So then went to college a little older, didn’t have children and was 1st focused on my career and then finding a group of women that we could share our lives, have each others backs and enjoy life. No one ever said I looked older than them, in fact just the opposite, I was assumed younger. I was in great shape because I was very active and had only me to take care of. Well, one by one they all got engaged, then weddings, then turning 30, then babies, etc. I wanted all of that too but when I met these women they were already with their signifigant other. I was dating,I put myself out there, I did date all types even blind dates, and nothing ever progressed. I was around 34 then and worked for a Fertility Practice, so I knew realities of not just wanting to have a relationship but a family. The practice was going to freeze my eggs and do a little promo on the working woman over 35 wanting that family and the right guy hasn’t come along yet. About to begin the treatment and I was in a severe MVA. I had multiply injuries, sounds so vein of me but nothing disfiguring but that was 2008. Ive had 10 surgeries since and watching the years along with my chances of the life I wanted get taken from me. Since Past Oct. Ive been in recovery period and very lonely, friends and family talked me into on-line dating. Lets just say 5 great dates, think Omg this worked, was asked to spend NYE together and thought about taking next step speaking physically cause I felt safe and possibly falling in love. HE drugged and rapped me that night……By the grace of God Im physically ok, it is a police involvement, and Ive been in therapy for a year. Patti….WHY?….how do I trust again. I have so much love to give and no one to receive it. I want to be loved, I wanted a child…..all of these things just don’t add up. I feel so much pressure and so alone. I could really use your help. Im educated, independent, endured so much and Im still here, unless my friends lie they say Im beautiful inside and out “I dont look a day over 30” just quoting 🙂 Please help if you can, I would owe you my life!

  14. Trying not to be discouraged, but I am in my 70’s. Most men are looking for younger women. Is it just to late to develop a relationship with a man at this time in my life? I am active, have busy friends, most of whom are younger than I am. I have a good sense of humor, not that bad looking, but I am not getting any younger!
    Penelope

  15. Laura says:

    50 Dw/kids met a wonderful man 46 Dw/kids who lives an hour away. Dating 10 months and it’s going great. Do I start the clock for the 2 year commitment?

  16. Lori says:

    I am a 49 year old female, who never married, I have no children, hardly dated. and would like to meet someone now. I have bee looking at men online dating sites but I think im too picky.
    What is the best way to start meeting men?
    im attractive, and younger looking then my age.
    I want to start traveling and have no one to travel with. I wish I had single girlfriends to get out with,
    Any advice?

  17. bob says:

    I’m 43 years old , I’m not bad looking guy and tried on line as well but it hasn’t worked properly
    and i realy want to go holiday ,traveling but you can’t do it alone ….. ..end of the day i couldn’t find
    right girl .
    any sugestion or advice ?
    thanks

  18. Cheryl says:

    Hi Patti,

    I saw you on the Steve Harvey show today. I am 43 years old and have never been married. I want to find love. It encourages my heart to know you have found love. It lets me know that there is hope for me. I wish you the very best with your new mate.

  19. Sarah says:

    Hey Patti,
    Love your show. Just wish you could help me find the perfect man! Sx

  20. Ellie says:

    Enjoyed the article, some good points. I thinks dating for mature women is more challenging than for men. I’m 52, own my home, stable (been with the same company for 27 years). No children. Not looking for a sugar daddy, just someone to enjoy life with. Living in S. Florida I find men my age go for the arm candy, then complain about them being gold diggers. I’ve given up on the on-line dating– had a bad experience with a con-man. I will take your advice to heart and keep on trying! 😉

  21. Stefanie says:

    I believe dating after 40 should probably be easier, rather than harder. Gone are all the extreme superficial requirements most men place on romantic partners. All throughout my twenties and thirties, I was attractive and intelligent, but for some reason or another was never “enough.” I didn’t have a perfect body (although I was thin), or a perfect personality (although friendly), or “not young enough (I started facing this one after the age of 25!).” There was always some girl around who was cooler, friendlier, prettier, younger or what have you. I’m pretty average. Since I haven’t had much stress from a lot of relationships gone wrong or haven’t been on the receiving end of too much mistreatment by men, I actually look younger. I’m looking forward to dating in my 40s. I think it is going to go well for me.

  22. felicity says:

    hi patti would love to be on your show can you help me please ?! long dark hair blue eyes petite disillusioned after 2 violent and controlling relationships want to find loving caring man into me felicity x

  23. Dave says:

    It’s interesting; you would think it would be easier as you got older, but in reality many of us stay in less than perfect relationships because the thought of telling all our stories, sharing our favorite movies and playing our favorite songs all over again just gets… daunting.

    The better question I find myself struggling with is the question of whether I should just stick with “close enough” or look for that intimacy I’ve always desired, have never had, and wonder if only exists in stories put on paper or on screen.

    I feel traditionally “female” in that I am yearning to share that with someone – that moment where sex isn’t an orgasm, it’s looking into the eyes of your partner and knowing there is nowhere they would rather be than right there with you. A connection.

    Does that kind of relationship exist? Or would I go the balance of my life without finding it?

    Or is having someone in your life with whom you simply get along well and share common interests with enough?

    It’s easy to see when someone is chasing the Disney fantasy of romance rather than the real thing; am I chasing the fantasy of what a relationship could be rather than the reality of finding a good friend and companion with whom there is no real intimacy, emotional or physical, but that you want to just hang out with all the time?

    Pretty good question for which I’ve no answer, and I hope Patti and/or her experts do.

    Just one thing – not to be cynical but I’m sure there are many matchmakers who would say “yes” as their fees stop coming in if you settle.

    Tough questions, all.

  24. Ema says:

    Hello Patti,
    Well I saw you on TV the other day and I could not believe you can do such miracles. I am on my 40s and would love to find love. I need to start somewhere, and believe it or not you are my first step. Can I do anything ? can I participate at your shows ? ….Thank you.

  25. Cindy McClain says:

    Hi Patti,
    I am 56 years old. I was married to my best friend for 32 years. He left this world too soon and my heart is so broken. It has been almost 4 years now and I feel that I am ready to love someone again. I really miss having a companion to love. I don’t even know where to start anymore and I feel like I’m not attractive anymore. Please tell me what to do.

  26. Barbara says:

    Good evening. I am a single feminine woman over 40 interested in another woman over 40. I live in California. Don’t care about the $$ thing, only happiness.
    barbinpss@gmail.com

  27. Jill Skellington says:

    Hello – 40+ never been married, never had children. This is my first time being alone ever as in only a couple of weeks new. I have always dated or have been in LTRships. Now I have dropped my baggage from both hands onto the bathroom floor looking into the mirror asking myself…where, what, why and how.

    I have never not had “someone ” in my life. Experiencing lonely…I wouldn’t wish that emotion on anyone.

    I am not sure where to go from here. Advice would be nice. Thank you.

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