Let’s face it: we’re all a judge.
We’re reading an online profile, somebody writes something and we immediately judge them.
We text them, and they tell us that they’re watching TV, and we imagine and picture a life of just watching television 24/7.
We’re all judgers of so many things when we first connect with somebody.
Or more importantly, when we first eliminate somebody.
I’m guilty of it.
I don’t drink. So, when a woman writes online that she likes wine, she’s a connoisseur of wine, I immediately picture an alcoholic that I’m going to be hanging out with that can’t remain sober and has to drink every single night.
I’ve eliminated many women because of that.
Just because someone loves wine doesn’t mean that they’re drinking wine every single night.
Case in point: this woman contacted me on Bubble, we started flirting.
The weather was raining and chilly all week and she wrote, what a great weekend to stay home, have a bottle of wine and watch Netflix.
I decided to write her back.
I said, “that sounds wonderful to me minus the wine. I don’t drink. But sitting around cuddling, snuggling and watching a movie is great.”
She wrote back and said, you know, “I don’t really that much either. I might have a glass of wine, but I certainly can watch a movie and cuddle and snuggle and have nothing and just enjoy that.”
I would have initially eliminated her.
I’ll see women all the time online and they’ll write “5’11”, love my heels.”
Well, I immediately eliminate them because I don’t like to be eyeball to eyeball.
And it’s funny, because once I’ve started dating some of these women, I literally will tell them, I really like to have a couple inches of height over them and they start wearing their boots and other things.
Just what somebody says in something a statement doesn’t mean that that’s going to be what they continue to be like. They’re really just a stream of consciousness, and it’s what they want in the moment. It’s what they think they want to be, or it’s what they’re feeling in that moment.
Sure, you can judge people and you can eliminate them once you get to know them. If the TV watcher becomes somebody who watches every single TV show imaginable and that’s not your lifestyle, then wonderful. If the person I’m dating actually is a chronic alcoholic then I can’t be with them.
If somebody wants to wear heels and tower over me, well, that just doesn’t make me feel great. I don’t want to with a woman who’s 6’3″ when I’m 6’2.5″. I like smaller, petite women.
I like what I like. I like what I enjoy.
So, you see, there are variations to this but the fact of the matter is instead of judging, communicate. hat’s right, clarification over judgment. It’s something that I practice in all aspects of our life. When we’re doing a business deal, we don’t sit there and judge. We clarify.
We’ll literally stop the conversation and go excuse me, I need to clarity that point, I need to fully understand what you mean by xyz.
You see, we have clarification because we’re not afraid. It means that we’re not really vulnerable. We don’t really feel vulnerable in business deals. We’ve been trained in understanding the dynamics we’re standing up for our money, or whatever it might be. So, we ask for clarification.
But in dating we tend to judge what somebody says very quickly, and we look at it almost as an out.
Especially in today’s modern dating culture, where you can literally go home every single night and spin or swipe for another date.
Bumble and Tinder is literally like going to Vegas and playing roulette every single day. Each time you hope that you’ll eventually get the jackpot.
So, the next time something comes up that you judge, the next time something happens that you feel may or may not be with an integrity issue with you, ask for clarification.
The wine lover might only like one glass of wine a week, they might cherish it.
The TV watcher might be a binge marathon TV watcher, but you know what? They can go without TV for months at a time unless there’s something that really stimulates their mind.
Clarification over judgment is the way we find the best mate, and it’s the only way we’re going to find love. If you continue to judge, you’re going to eliminate people that may have actually made the cut once you got the clarification you needed.