I was having a conversation with a client of mine earlier. We were talking about her relationship with a new man she’s been dating. Things haven’t been going well, so we looked at whether it was worth saving the relationship, or getting out before things deteriorate. I asked her to write down all the positive things about the guy on one side of a sheet of paper, and all the negative things on the other.
She thought for a while and then started writing furiously. At the end of it, there were three things on the positive side, and ten things on the negative.
What was top of the list on the positive side?
You know it amazes me what people will put up with when they’re having amazing sex. I know in my lifetime I’ve put up with some crazy things. I’ve dealt with some mad behavior patterns. There was one woman I dated who was beautiful and the sex was off the charts. The problem was, when she had a drink she turned into a complete lunatic!
I’m not kidding. She was like a totally different person. She’d utter these weird demonic things when she was drinking. Why did I put up with it? Because we had fantastic sex. Another woman I was with was emotionally unstable.
It seemed like every day her life would be crumbling around her. Once again, it was fireworks in the bedroom, so I stayed with her.
The longer you stay in a relationship purely based on sex, the bigger the void you create in other areas of your relationship.
It made me feel really uncomfortable, but because the sex was so great I’d put up with anything she did. I dated other women who were intelligent, nurturing, and fun, but the attraction just wasn’t as strong so things didn’t work out. The thing is, you need to realize sex can blind you. It can make you see a destructive relationship in a positive light, and it can make you stay with someone who isn’t right for you.
The longer you stay in a relationship purely based on sex, the bigger the void you create in other areas of your relationship. And it’s the same for a relationship where you get on great but there’s no attraction. There needs to be a balance. So the exercise is to do what I did with my client this morning. Write down all the positive and negative things about your partner.
If the negative outweighs the positive by a big distance, and you can see your relationship is based on sex, you need to get out or risk permanent relationship blindness. Is it worth a lifetime of unhappiness for a few minutes of pleasure a few times a week?
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