Matchmaking 101 - Office Hours with Lisa Clampitt

3 Steps To Falling In Love With The Nice Guy

4756902964_9e75fc0987In the unpredictable world of dating and relationships, one thing is for sure: Nice guys are not overrated. I wish some of my friends and clients could have been more open to relationships with nice guys. Sadly, one of my lifelong friends has made a conscious decision to stick with player types throughout her dating career and is now forty-one and unmarried. There are a lot of women in her shoes.

Do you want a relationship-oriented guy who will treat you like a princess and stay by your side for the rest of your life? If so, pick the quintessential nice guy. If you learn to combine your relationship goals and tweak your old, hardwired chemistry patterns, you can find the love of your life.

Here are three steps to falling in love with the nice guy that are based on what I have learned about chemistry over the years. If you follow these steps, you will change how you look at love from this point forward:

1.Learn To Predict Who You Will Have Chemistry With

Since chemistry is defined by our history, I’m able to predict who my client will find attractive by interviewing them during our first meeting. I ask about each of their parents as individuals and about their parents’ relationship with each other.

I also learn about their own past romantic relationships, what has worked and what hasn’t, as well as their current relationship goals. I then take a step back and look for patterns in the answers to these questions. By doing so, I’m able to pinpoint the types of people they feel organic chemistry with and determine whether those relationships have been healthy or problematic. Using similar techniques, you can have better luck determining the type of person who is and is not a good fit for you very early on in relationships.

2. Understand That Good Chemistry Doesn’t Always Mean Successful Relationships

While chemistry isn’t the only thing to look for in a partner, it’s very important that two people find each other attractive. An underlying spark is essential for them to want to continue to get to know each other.

The problem for a lot of women is that their search for ultimate chemistry can hinder them from finding a meaningful and lasting relationship. If your chemistry has consistently led you to individuals who are inappropriate for you in terms of values, lifestyle and relationships goals, you’re doomed from the start. Relationships need more than just chemistry to survive.

3. Work On Changing Your Chemistry Patterns

If you’re starting to think your chemistry patterns are what’s keeping you from having successful long-term relationships, don’t worry. You can tweak chemistry patterns. To do this, you need to think back to the types of men you’ve had relationships with in the past. Recall their characteristics and traits, both positive and negative.

Look at these lists side by side. Are there any commonalities? Do you continue to find men who are dishonest and emotionally unavailable attractive? What KIND of people are you attracted to? Figure out where you can tweak your natural chemistry patterns by weeding out the negative and focusing on the positive traits you’re attracted to. Making extreme changes is often not as productive as making helpful little tweaks. If you change things just the right amount, you will have more relationship success.
Always remember that chemistry patterns aren’t necessarily perfect. You just have to understand them to find the right relationship for you.

For example, looking at my own history, I’ve always been attracted to emotionally disconnected men. But, fortunately, I also must have a man with loyalty, brilliance and a passion for life, work and love. Because I was also attracted to these more positive qualities that are conducive to a long-term love, I was able to get into a relationship with a quality man and work to make our relationship more connected.

I’ve been married over 12 years, so believe me — no matter WHAT happened in your past — you can have that “happily ever after” too! And, if you set your sights on falling in love with a nice guy, it may happen sooner rather than later!

Stay tuned for a detailed list of advice on how to make the nice guy fall for you!

Photo credit: pedrosimoes7 / CC BY