Q: Dear Emily,
I have a confession: I hate giving blow jobs.
The first and last real time that I tried going down on a guy, it was horrible. He smelled really bad down there, and when I tried to just power through it, he pushed my head down and I gagged. He lost his erection and we never hooked up again. Ever since then, I’ve avoided giving BJ’s at all costs.
Now, I’m with a really good guy who is so kind and loving to me. He has made it known that he really LOVES getting blow jobs (even more than sex!) and I really want to give him one, but I keep thinking back to that bad experience. How do I get over my oral sex fears and give him the amazing blow job he deserves?
This seems to be a common thread in sex: People have one bad experience – whether with oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, whatever! – and it’s enough to turn them against the activity FOREVER. Let’s take a few deep breaths and break it down. If you had one bad experience with mint n’ chip ice cream, would you swear off all other ice cream flavors for eternity? Of course not!
While I understand that you may be suffering from a tragic case of PTOD (post traumatic oral disorder), please realize that not all penises (and the men attached to them) will produce the same experience. You experienced an “off” flavor. The key to conquering your oral fear is to face it head on. Get it?
Oral sex can be an extremely erotic and intimate act, but only with the right attitude. Think about it: the things you do best in life are the things you enjoy, right? If you’re going down on him with the same amount of enthusiasm usually reserved for swallowing a spoonful of Robitussin. No one is going to have a good time.
So how do you learn to enjoy something that up until now, you’ve actively hated? Here are four tips to help you go down like you mean it:
1. You’ve Got the Power
Aside from the occasional head-pusher (which, for the record, is unacceptable BJ behavior) giving a blow job is one of the few times when a guy relinquishes all control and puts his pleasure in your hands.. or mouth, as the case may be! When you’re down there, you have one job and one job only: make his eyes roll back into his head. Knowing that you have the ability to satisfy him in a way that he can’t himself is a very powerful feeling. And since you hold the power to please him, tease him, and ultimately blow his mind, it’s up to you to make the most of it!
2. Fake It Until You Make It
Okay, I get it.. You’re probably not going to immediately start loving oral sex the first time around. Luckily for you (and your guy) this is one of the few occasions when faking enthusiasm is actually a GOOD thing. Much like we do when the roles are reversed, your man wants to feel like you are having a good time down there. I’m not saying you need to take it to porn star levels of enjoyment, but a few well-timed “mmm”s and some sultry eye contact could be just the thing to send your guy into another world of pleasure. And before you know it, you may find yourself kind of getting into it as well. Way to go, you little actress, you!
3. Get Turned On By Turning Him On
This is a lovely side effect of performing oral sex on someone, and doing it well. The act of pleasing someone can be quite the turn-on, in itself. They say that the largest sex organ is the brain, and I don’t know about you, but MY brain really loves seeing the person I’m with writhing in pleasure. It gets off on the knowledge that I did that. I made him make those sounds. I made his toes curl. This is a fantastic way to get yourself in the mood, while also giving him the best gift a girl can give (and it’s not a Sony Playstation).
4. The Law of Reciprocity
So say you commit fully to the task at hand, and the fruits of your labor are written all across his pleasure-flushed face. Now it’s your turn! Give a little, get a little.. Or get a lot, if you did a good job on your end. Whether he is naturally giving, or tends to hold back on the oral stuff, this is your opportunity to cash in your oral sex voucher! As a general rule, men do not like to feel like they are indebted to anyone, so he will be more than happy to return the favor. Now your only job is to lie back, close your eyes and happily get what’s coming to you.
Just as in the case of avocados and black tea, as we grow, our sexual tastes grow with us. You may not have liked brussel sprouts as a kid, but as an adult, you began to recognize the health benefits and managed to adapt your tastes accordingly. Same thing applies here. For the right person, you can certainly learn to love giving BJ’s!
I love hearing from you! Please send all your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Want more Sex With Emily? Check out my podcasts for free on iTunes, my bookHot Sex and my iPhone apps Kegel Camp and Sex Drive. Check out my new intimate care line Emily & Tony for massage candles that turn into luxurious massage oil and DownUnder comfort to stay fresh and dry down there. Use Coupon Code SEXWITHEMILY or 20% off. Also, use coupon code EMILY for 15% off at Good Vibrations. These are my favorite sex toys and vibrators from Good Vibes: Sex Toy Recommendations (some restrictions apply). Never tried the #1 Male sex toy. Get a Fleshlight Here.