Patti's Blog

How to tell your friend you hate her man

6503705889_78e57d45d3We all have at least one friend who is dating someone we don’t like. Ok, that’s probably not accurate. We all have dozens of friends who are dating men we don’t like. And there’s at least one friend who is dating a guy we hate with the burning passion of a million and seven suns. Does that sound more accurate? Ok, well, what are your duties as a friend? Should you tell her? Well, I’m here to guide you through this sticky situation. Here are three questions you should ask yourself before you take the plunge into these sticky waters.

Why do you hate him?

What’s so bad about this guy? Is he annoying? Do you dread spending time with him? Does picturing him having sex with your amazing best friend give you the heebie jeebies? None of those are good enough reasons to break up a couple. You have to chalk this up to different strokes for different folks. If you think he’s mean to your friend, makes her a worse version of herself or is deep down morally corrupt in a way that can wind up harming her big time, those are reasons to say something. Get the difference?

What does this mean to you?

What I mean by this is that you need to weigh out what purging this guy from your friend’s life is worth to you. Typically, bringing up something as touchy as hating a friend’s significant other will lead to ending your relationship with that friend at least temporarily, if not permanently. To me, losing a friendship would be worth it if in the long run, I thought I was saving my friend from a world a pain. I’d trust that she’d come around eventually and we’d be able to repair our friendship. But, I don’t think I’d be willing to risk losing someone I love from my life just so I wouldn’t have to watch her obnoxious boyfriend chew with his mouth open during another dinner. You really need to weigh out what’s worth losing a friendship over. I’d lose a friendship if I thought I was actually saving my friend from something life ruining and nothing less.

Why would you tell her?

Quickly think about the benefits of getting this guy out of your friend’s life. What are they? Do most of your thoughts right now start with the words “I” or “she”? If you’re thinking about what the two of them splitting would mean for you, I don’t think this is the type of relationship you need to spend any energy breaking up. If your immediate thoughts are about how beneficial ditching this dude would be for your friend and how much better her life would be without him, you might be in business here.

Good luck to those of you who decide to take the plunge and talk to your friends. You’re good friends. And to those of you who realized that you need to stomach some icky guy to make your friend happy, know that you’re good friends, too.

Photo credit: jDevaun.Photography / CC BY