The Sex Files with Emily Morse

Ask Emily: How to get Comfortable with Going Down

Hi Emily,

I’m 24 years old and the guy I’m dating is my first sexual partner—so I’m a newbie at everything but I’m pretty open to learning and trying new things. I know he really wants me to give him a blow job, but I don’t know how! I have a ton of fear around it. I really want to try it, but I can’t get over that scared feeling I get when I think about doing it, partly because I don’t know what I’m doing but also because I want us both to enjoy the experience. What can I do to get over the fear and become more comfortable with giving him a blow job? And how can I make it a good one?


going downDear Mimi,

You are not alone! A lot of women have pre-blow job fears: what do I do? How do I do it? What if I do it wrong? Even women with experience giving oral sex have a lot of questions around wanting to be perfect at performing felatio for their guy. So even though it’s your first time around the block, even ladies who have visited the neighborhood time and again can always learn something new.

When it comes to a good blow job, pressure is important. Just make sure you’re not putting that pressure on yourself. Your guy knows you’re new on the job so he won’t expect you to immediately become a blow job queen. Give yourself a break, and trust me: he’s going to love that you’re putting in the effort!

It’s okay to feel a little insecure, but the only way you’re going to get over your nerves is to dive in and try it out. Decide to really go for it, and use your own sexual desire to focus on his satisfaction. The next time you guys are getting hot and heavy, make up your mind to blow his by blowing him.

So to get you started, my number one BJ tip is to show enthusiasm! Even if you’re feeling more nervous than excited about going downtown, just fake it till you make it. As long as you’re enthusiastic and showing him that you’re really into it (like “his penis is the most delicious ice cream cone in the whole world” into it) you can’t go wrong. And be sure to ask for feedback once you get going; communication is the key to great sex.

Even though you’re a blowie-newbie, these tips should help ease your nerves and get you started on the road to sexy success:

1. Lick It
Your tongue is the greatest weapon in your arsenal. Cover your teeth with your lips, wrap your mouth around his penis and prepare to lick.

As you work your mouth up and down, whenever you swoop up, simultaneously swirl your tongue around the head of the penis and you’ll find his sweet spot. Don’t be afraid to apply pressure with your tongue and keep the juices flowing (wetter is better)! Take a drink of water, use oral-friendly lube—whatever it takes to ease the potential friction.
And here’s a quick pro-tip: the frenulum is the most sensitive part of the penis. Located on the underside of the penis where the head and the base meet, you’ll see a little “V”. Trace it with your tongue before traveling back down the base. This will drive him crazy.

2. Grip It
Contrary to what a lot of porn might make you think, being able to swallow his entire penis is not the key to a great blow job. Sure, he’ll love the visual of you working him over, but the most important element to a great BJ is pressure.

Using your hands is a great way to compensate for any lack of pressure from your mouth, plus it makes giving a blowjob a lot easier. First make sure you have enough lubricant (saliva or lube) then wrap your hand around the base of his penis as if you’re about to give it a handshake. Make a firm grip (without strangling his penis) and evenly distribute the pressure around the shaft. Start moving his penis skin up and down with your hand while your mouth works on the tip and the upper half of the base. Try giving his penis a gentle twist with your hand as you circle your tongue around his tip. Take notice of what he likes (if he’s able to talk at this point) and keep doing what seems to be working best for him.

3. Finish It
When it comes to oral sex, a lot of women are particularly nervous about what to do when their guy climaxes. I suggest you stay in the moment and go with what feels right to you. And don’t worry: you’ll know when he’s getting close to orgasming. His penis will become extremely hard and his breath will quicken. Once he’s almost there, keep doing exactly what you’re doing until he orgasms. This isn’t the time to change things up: whatever you’re doing is working, don’t get ambitious and improvise at the end. If you have decided to swallow, keep moving your mouth while he orgasms. At this point you should be a little more gentle with your tongue because the head of his penis will be extremely sensitive both during and after orgasm.

Now that you’ve blown his mind, find out what he liked about it! Stay open to learning about each other and what really enjoy.Just swap out those ‘experience’ fears for enthusiasm and amazing sex will be sure to follow.


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