What to do when your man and your besties don’t mix

Let me paint you a picture: Your life was almost perfect – great job, great friends, great family. All you needed was a great guy and it would be 100% perfect. Then, you finally meet him. It’s dreamy all the way from your first date until the big friend meet and greet. It’s not a disaster, but it’s just not full of laughter, smiles or connections. Basically, it’s not picture perfect. It turns out your friends and man just aren’t the peanut butter and jelly combination you hoped. Not ideal, obviously, but it’s not the end of the world. Here’s what to do.

Talk to your friends

If these are our soul sister friends and you’re still in the newbie phase with your man, talk to your girls about their feelings on your dude. Don’t just ask, “Did you have fun?” Make it clear that you’re open to real and hard feedback. Listen to what they say without getting defensive. Don’t explain anything. You really don’t have to. You’re only asking to hear their feedback and then it’s up to you to assess it. If they just didn’t dig him, that’s fine. Your favorite flavor of ice cream probably isn’t their favorite flavor of ice cream. You guys don’t have to agree on everything. But, if they saw red flag behavior, give their opinion some long and hard thought. You may be blind to it because you’re in love. They’re not for sure right, but if they love you and have been in your life forever, you for sure need to take their concerns seriously.

Talk to him

Similarly, you should ask your man what happened. And yeah, this is going to be an awkward, uncomfortable conversation. But, that’s what being in a serious relationship entails. Get into it with him. Maybe he was having an off day or he was intimidated. It could also be that he didn’t like your friends, but thinks they’re fine people. One time, I introduced an old boyfriend of mine to a frenemy (who I thought was a friend at the time). It was a really sucky brunch for everyone. When I asked him what was up, he told me that he didn’t like how she treated me. Honestly, I didn’t notice how nasty she was to me until he said something. She wasn’t a good friend and I needed an outsider to see it for me. So, check in with your boo for friend red flags, too.

Make it easy, not forced

Assuming nothing is problematic about your friends or your man, don’t give up. But also, don’t try too hard! Make it easy, breezy for them to hang out again. Nothing too formal event. Maybe it’s carpooling to a party. That’s just a few minutes in a car. Or have him pick you up at your friend’s place and stop by for a quick drink. No biggie. Micro-dose their relationship so they’re at least comfortable in the same space, even if they’re not going to be best friends.

Embrace new friends

Your old friends are amazing. I get it. But, there’s always room for new people in your life. And to make your relationship work, you have to open yourself up to groups of people both of you like hanging with. It’ll be nice to have social time where one of you isn’t compromising majorly. Definitely don’t ditch your gal group. I’m all about girl code to the max! But, keep your eye out for new folks you two can both spend time with and enjoy.

Shift your ideal

I know we all want our best friends and our man to be a happy family. But, you can be happy even if that’s not the case. In fact, you should be happy even if that’s not the case. You still have the great friends and the great guy. Sure, they’re not together much, but both elements are still in your life. And that’s pretty perfect.

Hope that helps you dial down some of your friend and boyfriend anxiety. Another thing to remember is that nothing ever stays the same. Just because they’re not vibing now doesn’t mean they won’t later down the road. Keep hope alive while accepting what is!