The Sex Files with Emily Morse

Bad in Bed

4639155223_5844f1b31dDear Emily,

I recently started dating a guy (a great guy, actually!) and things are going really well. There’s only one problem… I’m afraid to have sex with him! We’ve been seeing each other for almost two months now and we still haven’t done the deed. It’s not that I’m not attracted to him or that I’m afraid he won’t respect me. The real reason is that I am pretty sure I’m bad in bed.

I’ve only been with two guys, and neither seemed to be that into the sex. One of them looked downright bored! I like this new guy a lot and would really like to wow him in the sack, but now I’m extremely self-conscious. What if we have sex and it’s terrible and he doesn’t want to date me anymore? I need help! How do I know if I’m terrible at sex? And more importantly, how can I fix it?

BIB, 24

Dear BIB,

You know what, BIB? I am glad you asked this question! Not because I want you to feel anxious about bedding your new beau, but because I think more women need to hear this. Newsflash ladies: Women CAN be bad in bed. I know, I was shocked, too.

Many women are under the impression that as long as they have a vagina, they can do no wrong. Having the lady parts is a good start but if that was really all it took, Fleshlights would set the standard for best sex ever. I frequently hear women griping about guys who don’t know what they’re doing in bed, blaming them for their lack of orgasm, when all they did was lie back and expect to see stars. While this lazy type of thinking may successfully earn you a ticket to Jackhammer Town, it won’t bring you any pleasure and it certainly won’t help you be better in bed. But I digress.

It’s normal to worry that your lovemaking skills are not up to par, but those bedroom insecurities will only slow you down in the long run. Two seemingly unsuccessful sexual experiences does not a bad lover make. Consider the facts: You’re young and you’ve only had sex with two other partners, who were most likely young and inexperienced as well. I’m willing to bet that they didn’t have any idea what they were doing either, so I wouldn’t get too hung up on the past. Instead, let’s focus on your sexual future, which is looking brighter by the minute.

Great things (and great lovers) take time and experience. Oh, and some freaking lube, for pete’s sake! The best way to gain some sexual prowess is to practice, practice, practice. Here are a few general tricks to help you be anything but bad in bed:

Take the Lead

One of the most common complaints men have about their sex lives is that they wish their partners would initiate more. Growing up, a lot of women were taught to always let the man do the chasing; after all, we don’t want to be seen as too sexually aggressive or *gasp* desperate! But here’s the thing: Men LOVE it when women take control in the bedroom. Much like us, men want to feel desired and more importantly, they want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with them. And the best way to show him that you want it is to just go for it!

I know it seems like a scary thing to do, but making the first move is not without its benefits. First off, it tells your guy that you absolutely have to have him, which will seriously turn him on. Secondly, it will make you feel empowered and confident, which will make you more likely to rock it in the sack.

Be Confident

Both men and women will agree that the sexiest thing a partner can bring into the bedroom is confidence. We want someone who knows what to do and how to do it, and can even show us a thing or two. So what do you do if you’re not exactly a sexual dynamo? For starters, you can fake it until you make it!

Even if you secretly feel like you’ve got the sex appeal of a pencil sharpener, strut into the bedroom like you’re the hottest little sex kitten that he has ever seen between the sheets, and he will have no reason to doubt it. Own your sexuality and don’t hold back! Before you know it, you won’t even have to fake your Sex Goddess status because you’ll be the real deal.

Know Yourself

A big part of sexual confidence comes from knowing your own body and what makes you feel good. And just like any other skill, sometimes you’ve got to do your homework before you can share with the class. Research shows that women who masturbate frequently are more sexually confident and have more satisfying sex lives, mostly because they KNOW what they like and are able to share this information with their partner. After all, how can you expect a guy to know how to turn you on if you don’t even have the formula yourself?

Bottom line: Spend some time figuring out what you like so that, when the time comes, you’ll be ready and able to show him how to rock your world… which is really all he wants in the first place.

Speak Up

There are many occasions where silence is golden (like at church, in a movie theater or during an awkward political debate at a family dinner) but the bedroom is definitely NOT one of them. Men like a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it, so speak up! If you want him to spend more time going down on you, say so. If you’re not a big fan of doggy style, suggest something different. And if he’s doing something that you really like, let him know!

A few well-timed “Oooh”s and “Aahh”s tell your man that he is on the right track and also let him know that you haven’t drifted off to sleep (which, believe me, he worries about). When it’s finally time to climax, don’t hold back. Trust me, he wants to hear how good of a job he is doing.

Move Those Hips

We’ve all heard those unflattering terms used to described a bad sex partner, the worst of which is the Dead Fish. This is the epitome of a bad lover: The person who just lies there and does nothing to contribute to the act of lovemaking. Men take nonverbal cues from their sex partners to let them know what is working and what isn’t. If you’ve got absolutely nothing going on below the belt, your partner is going to think you’re A) not into it, or B) suddenly paralyzed from the waist down, neither of which equate to a hot sex experience.

Unless you are involved in some wax statue role-playing, you need to stop with the bump-on-a-log routine and start participating. Move your hips, arch your back, climb on top for a change! Great sex is something that happens between two people, not one person and one decorative pillow with limbs. The more you get into it and move in a way that feels good for you, the more you will both enjoy the ride.


Want more Sex With Emily? Check out my podcasts for free on iTunes. Also, check out my book Hot Sex and my iPhone app Kegel Camp for stronger orgasms. For some sexy products to enhance your sex life: try an Emily & Tony massage candle that turn into luxurious massage oil and DownUnder comfort to stay fresh and dry down there. Use Coupon Code SEXWITHEMILY for 20% off your first order.

Looking for new additions to your goodie drawer? Use code EMILY for 15% off at Good Vibrations where you can find all my favorite toys in my store.

Have a question? Email me

Photo credit: Chiara Cremaschi / CC BY