The Sex Files with Emily Morse

How to Get Your Man to Step Up His Oral Sex Game

oralsexwithemilyDear Emily,

Recently I have been dealing with an issue that I can’t seem to wrap my head around: I’m in love with a man who is absolutely awful at performing oral sex. He doesn’t go down on me very often, but when he does it’s sloppy and rough and all over the place – I mean, really terrible! I just don’t get it… He is a great kisser and is so good with his hands, but when it comes to oral sex, he seems to be completely clueless.

I don’t want to mess up what we have because everything else in the sex department is great, but I NEED more oral sex. How can I help him get better at going down? How can I get him to go down me, period?

Orally Fixated

Dear O.F,
Congratulations! You have a great guy who, when it comes to intercourse, knows how to push all the right buttons. But regardless of how well his penis can pleasure you, it sounds like your partner’s oral skills (or lack thereof) leave a lot to be desired. It’s time to stop pretending that oral sex doesn’t matter and take control of the situation.

The only way your man will ever improve his oral skills is to get some practice, which means you need to direct his attention to your genitals, stat! With the future of your oral pleasure at stake, it’s up to you to set your partner on the right path. Right toward your O-Zone. To help you out, here are a few tips to get the oral sex you crave:

1. Speak Up
Have you let your boyfriend know where you stand on the oral sex debate? Your man is not a mind reader, so you can’t expect him to know what you want in the bedroom unless you’re willing to speak up.

When guys wants oral, they have explicit ways of clueing us in, whether it’s with the repugnant head-push or the always classy “Hey baby, how about a little BJ action.” So take a page from his book (just with a little more subtleties). Let him know how aroused you get just thinking about his mouth on your lady parts, or suggest a fair trade of oral-for-oral. Drop some hints, lay the groundwork and let him know that oral sex IS on the menu. And hey, if all else fails there is always the head-push to help you get your point across.

2. Show Him The Way
While some guys are very familiar with the lay of the land “down under”, many aren’t as well-versed in female anatomy. He might know what a clitoris is, but that doesn’t mean he knows how to find it, or more importantly how to pleasure it. And he sure as hell isn’t going to stop and ask for directions! Sure, you could let him bumble around down there like a Japanese beetle, letting him believe that he is the master of oral (while you become the master of finishing yourself off later.) Or you could help the poor guy out and show him the way.

A lot of men are visual learners, so your guy will be happy to watch while you use your fingers to guide him to your “pleasure zones”. After you’ve shown him where you like to be touched and how to touch you, take his hands and place them on top of yours so he can get a feel for what you like. Once his hands have the rhythm down, you can gently guide his head into the optimum oral position and let him show you what he’s learned.

3. Provide Feedback
For the inexperienced cunnilinguist, performing oral sex is like trying to dance the Mambo when you don’t know the steps. There’s a lot going on down there, and the average dude has no idea how each little touch and caress will feel to you. Without someone to clue them in on what real women want, many men turn to their favorite adult stars to provide direction… which might explain his current oral sex technique.

If you really want to help your partner improve, you’ll have to be the one to let him know that this is your vagina, not a trough, and that cunnilingus is a sensual act, not a pie-eating contest (in the kindest way possible, of course.) Tell him how good it feels when he uses his tongue slowly, or how much you like it when he flicks it lightly against your clitoris. And when he hits the right spot, speak up! A well-timed “Oh yeah, don’t stop” or “Yes, right there!” is extremely effective at getting him to settle down and focus on the task at hand.

4. Be Positive
When it comes to oral sex, patience is key. Unfortunately most guys are all about instant gratification. In their results-oriented brains, the fact that you’re not immediately brought to orgasm is the ultimate frustration; they tend to forget that women are slow-cookers, not frying pans. If your guy doesn’t feel like he’s getting the hang of it, he may start to feel discouraged or even defensive, making him exponentially more sensitive to your feedback.

This is your chance to be the cheerleader! Pump him up, let him know what a good job he is doing, and how appreciative you are of all the hard work he is putting in. And don’t forget to keep things positive! By framing your suggestions in a constructive way (i.e. “I really like it when you…” or “It feels amazing when you do this”) you can toss him some helpful hints without crushing his fragile ego. If he doesn’t get it right away, let him know what aspects you liked and what things you’d like next time. Give him encouragement and he will be ten times more likely to give it a go next time.


Want more Sex With Emily? Check out my podcasts for free on iTunes. Also, check out my book Hot Sex and my iPhone app Kegel Camp for stronger orgasms. For some sexy products to enhance your sex life: try an Emily & Tony massage candle that turn into luxurious massage oil and DownUnder comfort to stay fresh and dry down there. Use Coupon Code SEXWITHEMILY for 20% off your first order.

Looking for new additions to your goodie drawer? Use code EMILY for 15% off at Good Vibrations where you can find all my favorite toys in my store.

Have a question? Email me

Photo credit: HotlantaVoyeur / CC BY