How to deal with your shared friends post-break up

friend break-upsWhen you date someone for long enough, your friends stop being “his friends” and “my friends” and start being “our friends.” (If that’s not happening in your long term relationship with at least some of your friends, you need to ask yourself some questions about the health of your relationship.) And the “our friends” family growth is a beautiful thing, until the break up. Then, it’s a totally messy thing. Dealing with shared friends post-break up is never going to be a dream come true, but it doesn’t have to be your worst nightmare either. Here are some tips for how to make it as manageable as possible.

Talk about it

Let your ex know what you’d like to have happen with your shared friends and hear his plan of action, too. Hopefully, you can both be adults and decide to foster the relationships that make sense. Also, depending on the break up, you might want to out and out let him know that it’s cool for him to hang out with friends who were originally yours, even if he doesn’t reciprocate. Be the bigger person. You won’t regret it.

No choices

Don’t make your friends choose sides. As soon as you do that, you basically let go of the friendship entirely. You’re telling your friends that your relationships with them are less valuable to you than your grudge with your ex. Believe me, I know that emotions can run super hot post break up and you might say things you don’t mean. Just don’t say them to your friends about your ties with them. Now’s the time when you need your buddies by your side as much as possible, even if they’re by your man’s side.

Be open

Let your friends know what’s going on. Tell them about the split and how you’re hoping you can move forward with the friendships. Especially let friends who may feel like they’re in a tough spot between you and your ex-boo know that you’re supportive of however they choose to move forward. Talking about it will make everything less uncomfortable for everyone.

But not too open

Hold back on details about the break up, though, especially the nasty ones. Find a few friends you know you can trust to spill your heart to. But, don’t complain to people who are still friends with your ex about your ex. I know it’s tempting, but try to use a little self control here when it comes to bashing the guy in front of his friends. It will be way worth the effort in the long haul!

Plus, you never know what friends could be the people who set you up with your next boo! So, you want to keep as many people in your life as possible. Hope these few steps will help you do that!