In life, we fall under the illusion of what we think someone truly is.
When you meet somebody for the very, very first time, you start to swap stories. You start listening carefully to who they are.
They tell you stories about their past and about who they are. You listen and you think to yourself, God, this person is great. I can’t believe that nobody else is with them. And I am lucky enough to be their next girlfriend?
Love is about co-creating.
Love is about romance.
Love is about having a relationship that can handle conflict and controversy.
So, you need to listen carefully to what somebody is saying to you.
One of the biggest tips I can give you is this: LISTEN when you hear somebody’s story about how they handled conflict in the past. You need to see if they were a co-creator of that conflict, a blamer of that conflict, or just a plain old victim of the conflict.
A co-creator will keep their side of the street clean.
A co-creator will acknowledge the fact that they’re equally responsible for the mess that they were in.
My whole life, I am a co-creator of.
My entire life, whatever situation I found myself in, I am equally as responsible as the other person.
I’m not a victim, nor am I blamer. My actions cause their actions, their actions caused my actions, and together our actions caused the outcome.
By realizing that I’m a co-creator, I’ve actually learned and embraced all the lessons that I needed to learn. And I’ve embraced everything about that experience I shared with that person.
I don’t blame anybody for any of my decisions in life. Any of my relationships or anything that I did in my life.
So when I go and I go out with somebody, I will take full responsibility for everything I’ve done. I will not blame anybody.
I don’t have hate toward anybody. Sure, there are people in my life that I disliked, absolutely.
Other people right now in my life that I dislike, absolutely.
But I don’t pay much attention to them. If I have to deal with them, I deal with them based on the information that I know about them.
When in conflict with that person, I know that if they don’t take responsibility for their side of the street, the conflict will absolutely go nowhere.
So I state facts when I talk to those people. And I realize that they don’t take responsibility because they’d prefer to be a blamer and a victim.
I choose the people in my life very wisely.
I make sure that the people I’m with, whether in friendship or dating, are people who take full on responsibility, so when I get involved in any type of relationship with them, I know that when I have any type of conflict or do something they may not like, we’re going to be able to talk it out and realize that their actions and my actions did not match at that time.
And, like I said, that’s what love is really about: seeing how they handle conflict.
I do not want to be around people who don’t take responsibility for their lives. I’ve dated enough women who play the role of the victim.
My mother used to play the role of victim really, really well. So I was wired inside to be codependent to their victimhood. I’d make sure that I’d do everything I possibly could to make their life easier, their life better, their life more fulfilling. And at that time, I would give up what I really needed to have.
That’s not co-creation.
The minute I did something wrong in that relationship, they came out with guns blazing.
I was just like all the other people. All the other people that hurt them. All the other people that turned them into a victim.
So, beware of the blamers.
Beware of the people that blame others for their life, blame others for their predicament, blame others for the way things are. They don’t take responsibility.
You’re never going to have a great relationship with somebody who does not know how to take full responsibility for everything that’s happened in their life. You’ll never have a real relationship with that person, because they’re waiting for the moment that you do what others have — or really, what they perceive others have done to them.
And at that moment, you’ve gone from being the hero to the villain, and they go back to being the victim.
Pick your battles wisely.
I choose to have people in my life that I can co-create with, and we can both co-mistake with. And by doing that, it enables me to be able to really have fulfilling, loving, amazing relationships, from friendships to love.