Relationships ebb and flow. Even in the best relationships, there will be moments when you feel unloved or less valued than you like. It’s just part of letting someone else into your heart. No need to feel like it’s the end of the world when you have moments of feeling under-appreciated in your relationship. But, if these moments are adding up to a general sense of feeling unloved, there are a few things you can do to address that. And you should jump on them. The sooner, the better.
Talk about it
Communication is key in every aspect of a relationship, especially when things are going wrong. And I know it feels really crappy to talk about feeling unloved. I’ve done it and it’s sad and humiliating. But, it’s ultimately crucial to changing that feeling. So, bring up to your partner that you’re feeling unloved. Come prepared with examples of moments when this feeling rears its ugly head and focus on your feelings of hurt, instead of your feelings of anger. You’re not there to yell or vent, you’re having this conversation to fix the situation. Make sure everything you say serves that purpose.
One thing I like to remind myself is that just because you have to tell someone how to love you, it doesn’t mean they love you any less. They just need help showing their love in ways that count for you. So, think of small ways you can ask your partner to show their love in ways that will help you overcome your feelings of being unloved. It might be something like turning off the TV to ask you how your day was when you come home. Or maybe it’s planning a date or buying you a birthday gift. Whatever you need, ask for it specifically. It may be unromantic, but your boo can’t read your mind. So, you need to tell them what you want.
Celebrate small things
Let’s be realistic. As much as your boo loves you, they’re not going to be able to change into the perfect lover and partner overnight. They’ll make mistakes. Instead of punishing them for those, or silently dwelling on them yourself, focus on the good things they’re doing. Thank them for the good changes they’ve made and make sure they know that you notice it. Altering behavior takes a lot of effort, so celebrate everything they do to move in the direction you want them to. It’ll encourage them and keep hard work of making you feel loved positive for both of you.
Ask about their needs
Chances are that you’re not doing a perfect job of showing your love for your boo either. None of us is perfect and, contrary to Hallmark cards, no matches are perfect. There’s going to be a bit of friction in every relationship. Be proactive in yours. Ask your boo if there’s anything you can do to make them feel more loved. This will make your discussion about your feelings less one-sided and turn this journey toward making you more loved into a team event. Both of those are very good things.
A few weeks post initial conversation, reevaluate your feelings. Try to focus on the last few weeks and not let your feelings from before that creep in. Has your partner been improving? Are you feeling better? What’s going well and what could be improved? As long as your partner is making the effort to do what you asked, you’re well on your way to feeling more loved. And if they haven’t, then it’s time to rethink this relationship. I don’t know what’s going on with your particular situation, but I do know that you deserve to feel loved and have a partner that wants to make you feel that way.
Know that what you’re feeling is completely normal. It means that you’re in a relationship, not that your relationship is good or bad. How you two address the feelings and help each other along the process is what determines if your relationship is good or bad. Hope these five tips move you in the right direction.