Category Archives: Relationships

By a certain age, we have a relationship past. We will have dated people who have been married (maybe twice), have gotten their hearts broken, are not ready to commit, or are emotionally unavailable and just want a casual relationship. We all have a past. 

At any age, we have a past, a yesterday. But as the saying goes, “The past does not equal the future.” We cannot relive the past; it happened already, it’s over. The best we can do is learn from it, write about it, recover from it, and give our minds and bodies time to heal. I believe that you cannot fully give yourself to another unless you do the work and cleanse the energy from past relationships. 

Ninety Days

After a serious relationship ends, you need at least ninety days to clear its energy. We carry energy from other people, which can be why men and women know when their partner is having an affair—they feel the presence of someone else. Before seeing any evidence, we have a powerful feeling. 

We can have similar sensations after a relationship ends. Our partnership might be over completely in our mind, but our bodies carry its energy. We need to cleanse afterward. Photos and items need to be removed to make room for new relationships. We might feel doubt after a relationship ends. We might think, “Am I doing the right thing?” or fear, “Oh my God, I am alone.” We might start negotiating with ourselves or our partners, trying to overlook the things that really bothered us. 

Because of these doubts and worries, we need at least ninety days to go through a process of letting go. If you jump right into bed, have sex, or start another relationship with someone new, that person doesn't stand a chance until you clear the energy. A majority of the time, people who have affairs will go back to their spouses, even if they want to be with the person they are having the affair with, because that energy never left. 

When people say, “I just got out of a relationship, I am not ready to date,” bravo! You are absolutely right. You need no less than ninety days to clear up that energy. It gives you time to make sure you are okay, reflect, and make sure this was the right choice. If you jump from relationship to relationship, you are not giving your heart time to heal. And unfortunately, that pain will stick with you, and the person you are with will feel it too—trust me.

Do the Work 

Past relationships are like ghosts in the room—the energy is present, and if people are in tune, they can feel it. If you truly want to find your one and only, give yourself this gift. Clear the energy in your space and head. Do some inner work. Clear out the photos. If you cannot get yourself to delete photos of past relationships, then you are not ready to start a new relationship. 

I watch people end twenty-year marriages and move in immediately with another person. Of course, it doesn't work. Can you imagine the energy from a twenty-year marriage? People call these relationships “rebounds” or “get-out-of-jail cards.” No, these relationships are based on fear. Leaving a long-term marriage is going to require a lot of healing, self-love, energy, and work. You are going to have to clear out twenty years of marriage, including all the things that kept the marriage together. You have lots to look at and write about. 

Do the work. Clear out the energy from past relationships. Get into self-love. Become the person you want to date. Stop looking for a quick fix. Become completely available. Create a present and future energy for the person you would like to be with. That way you can start new with this person, and he or she won't have to battle the energy from your past relationships.

Debsxo

I have written quite a bit in my blog posts about uncomfortable feelings, recovery, trauma, breakups, love, closure, and the allure of social media. You have come along with me on my recovery journey, where I have been sharing stories and events from my past. My experience, I hope, will help someone who is quietly suffering as I did. 

I find it interesting that when people close to me started reading my blog posts, their reactions were twofold: (1) “Wow, I needed to read that,” and (2) “You always seemed like you had it so together.” I was always an expert at making my life look as if I had it all together. But then in private I would fall apart. I made it work for awhile, but at some point it stopped working, so I had to find better solutions. 

Inspiration from a Social Media Post

In October 2020, I began a total immersion program, part of which involved going thirty days with no social media. Just recently I had this moment of clarity and knew what I had to write about: social media. 

A while ago, the husband of this beautiful married couple I know shared in a post on social media that they were getting a divorce. He wrote that it was the hardest post he would ever write, and so on. Then a few months later, he shared a picture of him basking in the sun on a beach with the new love of his life, his newfound soulmate. 

I had very mixed feelings when I saw this. While I am always happy for people when they find their true love, I was taken back and had a weird reaction to the post. I thought, “How insensitive to the ex-wife. It is too soon!” I wanted to be happy for the person who found love, and I also wanted to support someone who might be in a lot of pain. And then it hit me that social media breakups have to be the absolute worst. 

Breakups in the Time of Social Media

Before social media, you broke up, then you went on your own way. Occasionally you ran into a mutual friend or someone who reminded you of your ex at a party. But your ex was not in your face every day with photos and posts. Breakups are especially hard if they involve divorce. You most likely shared mutual friends and interests. And you did activities with other couples and built a network on social media. When it doesn’t work out, then what? 

In 2004 when my divorce was final, I went to a therapist who said that divorce can be like a death. Back then there was no social media, so I did not have to suffer through photos of my ex and his new girlfriend-soon-to-be-wife. I cannot even imagine how I would have handled that. I had a hard enough time processing without all that extra interference.

Today it is a much different story. It is too easy to hit the search button and look for photos of what your ex is doing and with whom. It is the modern-day emotional cutting. I am guilty of it. I go through a breakup and head straight over to social media to see what my ex is doing, looking for a clue to see if he is seeing someone new. Then to see photos of my ex looking happy with someone new, or worse, with friends we were just with—I mean, just kill me now! Who needs this unbearable, emotional pain?

We Need Social Media Etiquette

Going back to that married couple, I saw that post and had a reaction for the ex. I thought we now need social media etiquette. When I did some soul searching and meditated on it, I realized we cannot control what other people do, but we can take care of our hearts. Sometimes after a breakup, it might be good to stay away from social media while you are healing your heart. 

Although we cannot control others, I would hope that within the first six to twelve months after a breakup, if you find your soulmate and you are going through a divorce—and especially if you have kids—you keep your new love life private. The most loving thing you can do is to protect your ex and family from any further pain. And if you were in a serious relationship, take into account how would this affect the person you were just with. 

We need social media etiquette today. It has gotten out of hand. Social media are not a place to bad mouth or humiliate anyone. If you feel the need to hurt someone publicly, you need to look deep within and figure out why. Why do you need the support of social media to hurt another human? That is really sad. We should not flaunt a new relationship without taking into consideration how that would make your ex, kids, ex’s family, and friends feel. Believe it or not, people get uncomfortable in these situations. 

Stay Healthy

For our own recovery, we must focus on our emotional health and stay in our heart. Make decisions out of love, and take into consideration the feelings of those around us. This took me a long time to figure out. I am thankful that social media wasn’t around for many of my breakups. And I am grateful that I understand now the hurt I might have caused someone before social media! 

I know it is not people’s intent to hurt someone most of the time when they fall in love. And when we are in the state, it is hard to remember what others might be feeling. 

Let’s all use some common sense and social media etiquette, and keep our love lives private! 

Debsxo

Relationships have been a struggle for me. I like to think I am part island and part wave. What I mean by that is I am a loner a lot of the time. I like to write, read, and even hike or take a drive by myself. But I am also a wave in that I enjoy socializing, going out for dinners, and hiking in groups. 

In relationships, this kind of island-and-wave scenario can be tough on a partner. Islands typically do not like to hash things out while waves do. As a matter of fact, waves will text and call and need that support of hashing things out. I am a bit of both. 

Recently, I have been positive and accomplished a lot of different things in my life. But having a long-term relationship has been tough. I find there is a uniqueness among couples who have a beautiful partnership. They stand out. They look like a couple in love, and they have so much respect for each other. You can tell just by how they interact and protect each other. There is a sense that no outside influence would ever distract either one of them. It is unique. There are many couples I watch from afar and try to model after. 

Since my divorce, I have stayed single. I have had a few long-term relationships, but none have rushed me back to the altar. Looking back on a few of my past relationships, I learned some powerful lessons. Through those lessons, I found my boundaries and nonnegotiables. It is a different game when you are clear on what is non-negotiable. And everyone has a different list.

For example, I am not interested in any man who has lots of female friends and communicates with them regularly. That just doesn't work for me—it’s a big red flag. What I see is this person needs a lot of attention from the opposite sex. And that just sets me up for failure because I will always be wondering what women he is communicating with. If my man is discussing me with other women or sharing our experience with other women, it’s over. The relationship is no longer special to me. 

I just read this great article online about boundaries for high-achieving couples who have been married for more than ten years. These couples have a few things in common, and it rings true for me now in my life. What is shared between two people is unique, and the minute the details of it get shared with a person of the desired sex, then your partner no longer feels special. Ultimately it will not last because the person you want to feel the most special with is your partner. 

Deep intimacy comes from feeling deeply connected and secure. Here were some of the things these couples had in common:

1. No physical affection to a person of the desired sex. 
2. No talking about partner or spouse to a person of the desired sex. 
3. No private meetings, meals, or get togethers with a person of the desired sex.
4. No secret social media messaging or private texting. 

The bottom line is if you want deep intimacy and you want to feel safe, secure, and able to trust the person you are with, then remove anything that would disrupt that connection. The ultimate goal is to have a beautiful respectful marriage, partnership, relationship, or whatever you want it to be. 

For me, I want the success of a beautiful relationship, so I found my mentors, and I look at what they do and how they relate to their partners. It is so important to have role models. I did not have them growing up. It is never too late to find love. At this time in my life, I want my relationship to be unique. I want a king, and I want to feel protected. I want the uniqueness of something really special. 

On my journey this year, I deleted any man’s number in my phone that in the past I would maybe send a late-night text or flirt with once in a while. I thought, “Well, if this is what I am doing, then this is what I am attracting,” so I removed it. Anything that was not serving me in this quest to find a special partner, I removed. That chapter in my life is closed. I am attracting beautiful souls into my life now. I am not available anymore for nonsense. That door is closed, and I cannot wait to see what this beautiful life has to offer me! 

Be unique. Clean out your phone’s contacts. Get rid of anything that is not serving you and is not at all what you want. The uniqueness will show up.

Debsxo