Monthly Archives: July 2021

You can’t shake the feelings once you’ve been cheated on. The disbelief; the shock; the devastation. The disorienting sensation that you don’t know what’s true and real and what wasn’t—all compounded by a surreal realization that you don’t know who your partner is anymore. 

It’s an entirely bewildering experience. You may be unsure of what to ask for from your partner to trust them again. You might start questioning your every move. Am I being too demanding? Too needy? Too... understanding? Your S.O. might also minimize the situation, telling you that it won’t happen again so you can get over it (this approach never works).

What does work is for trust to be built intentionally. 

As that trust is earned, there are certain things you have a right to ask for from your partner. Here are 50 things (in no particular order) that are essential in not only rebuilding trust, but also giving your relationship the fortitude to persevere in the future—stronger than ever. Of course, these requests aren’t meant to be forever. Once you have been fully healed, you and your partner can renegotiate what you both want and need in order for you to thrive again as a couple. 

1. You can ask for access to your partner’s phone and email.
2. You can ask for monthly phone records. 
3. You can ask for proof that the affair is over. 
4. You can ask for your partner to tell you immediately when the affair partner makes contact—so you two can decide together if and how to respond.
5. You can ask to use GPS location to know where your partner is—or to double-check that they are where they say they are.
6. You can ask your partner to send picture texts and short videos to prove they are where they say they are.
7. You can ask your partner to delete social media accounts—especially if your partner carried on an affair via social media.
8. You can ask your partner to “clean house” on social media, eliminating potential and perceived threats.
9. You can ask your partner not to delete their web browser history.
10. You can ask your partner not to empty their trash folder in their email accounts.
11. You can ask your partner to access to financials: credit card, bank, and investment account statements.
12. You can ask your partner to transfer assets into your name and/or create a joint bank account.
13. You can ask your partner to quit the club or membership that the affair partner belonged to.
14. You can ask your partner to initiate conversations with you and provide information without being asked or you having to dig for it.
15. You can ask your partner to move to another city with you.
16. You can ask your partner to quit and find another job – if the affair happened at their current job.
17. You can ask that your partner and the affair partner limit contact to business only and your partner tells you when they had contact – if the affair partner is at your S.O.’s current job. 
18. You can ask that your partner avoids taking you to places they took the affair partner.
19. You can ask to visit your partner at work. 
20. You can ask that your partner comes home immediately after work. 
21. You can ask for an accurate itinerary when your partner travels. 
22. You can ask that they limit work travel, or only make day trips, or limit overnight trips.
23. You can ask that they call and text more often—just because.
24. You can ask that they increase physical affection in non-sexual ways.
25. You can ask that they initiate sex more frequently.
26. You can ask that they spend more time in foreplay.
27. You can ask that they make you feel that you are the only one for them. 
28. You can ask that they initiate and thoughtfully plans date nights.
29. You can ask that they talk to you about their feelings. 
30. You can ask that they show interest in you—simply asking about your day or dreams. 
31. You can ask them to join you in your hobbies and activities and vice versa.
32. You can ask for them to soothe you after you share your triggers.
33. You can ask that they solve conflict directly instead of minimizing, shutting down, or withdrawing.
34. You can ask that they go to individual and couples therapy to figure out why they did what they did—and to uncover all of the variables that lead to their decision to betray you. 
35. You can ask for a postnuptial agreement.
36. You can ask for the truth—even if it means hurting your feelings. 
37. You can ask for their full attention when you talk.
38. You can ask that they read a self-help book with you.
39. You can ask that they buy a new mattress or bedroom furniture, if your S.O. brought the affair partner into your home.
40. You can ask for more verbal appreciation.
41. You can ask that they decrease drinking if alcohol was a contributing factor to the affair.
42. You can ask for a decrease in pornography use.
43. You can ask that they wear their wedding ring again—every day.
44. You can ask that they write you notes or letters.
45. You can ask that they decrease contact or give up a friendship—if the friend helped cover up their cheating.
46. You can ask that they get checked for STIs and go to your doctor appointment with you.
47. You can ask for them to tell you that they find you attractive.
48. You can ask for them to tell you they love you—and why they love you.
49. You can ask for them to answer all of your questions about the affair.
50. You can ask for them to show remorse for what they’ve done.