The Men's Room - Love and Relationship Advice From a Man For Women

Beware of the “You Are” Man

I’ve got tools and skills that the average person doesn’t have.

18 years of coaching people.

18 years of basically doing therapy on individuals.

I can read people really well, and really fast.

I can tell you if they’re a narcissist.

I can tell you if they’re borderline.

I can do a clinical evaluation of people based on their tendencies and the things they do.

But here’s the thing: I don’t choose to do that.

Do you want to know why?

Because if you’ve ever Googled anything that’s wrong with you, you seem to have a symptom of every disease that’s out there.

Paranoid schizophrenic? Check.

Alzheimer’s? Check.

High blood pressure? Check.

Diabetes? Check.

Borderline personality disorder? Check.


Every single person has flaws.

Every single person has issues.

And every single person has baggage.

Unless he was just beamed down from planet Mars, you’re never going to meet a man who doesn’t have issues, baggage, or things.

And yet, there are so many people who are what I call “you are” people.

You are the most passive person I’ve ever met.

You are the most lazy person I’ve ever met.

You are the most crazy person I’ve ever met.

You are the most passive aggressive person I’ve ever met.

You are this, you are that.

It’s amazing how many people – who have a little knowledge, maybe they’ve read some books on psychology – start you are-ing you to death when you’re in a relationship with them.

They start critically evaluating you.

They’re usually wonderful for the first 30 to 60 days, then all of a sudden things start happening with them. And they start clinically evaluating you.

They start accusing you of being things.

You are this, and you are that.

You are the unhealthiest person I’ve ever met.

You are the angriest person I’ve ever met.

You are the meanest person I’ve ever met.

And they continue judging you and evaluating you.

Do you know what you are people do?

They don’t accept you at all.

They’re constantly looking for things to judge, because it’s the way they look at themselves.

They critically evaluate themselves all the time.

They’re super-critical of their own stuff.

They usually have body issues.

They’ve got emotional issues.

They’re judgmental of themselves.

All they’re doing is projecting their shit onto you to make themselves feel better.

And it’s an early warning sign when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s very critical.

And that’s the thing that people don’t want to look at or look for.

They’re too afraid to dig deep in the beginning of a relationship to really listen in. We tend to dismiss the first you are comment.

And believe me, if I think back on all my past relationships with people who were critical of me, they tended to be the people who were most critical of themselves.

They were you are people, right from the get go.

Usually within the first month, they’ve evaluated me one way or the other. And they’ll accuse me of being something that I’m not.

So the next time somebody you-ares you…

Realize that the first time they judge you is not going to be the last time they judge you. They’re going to be evaluating you nonstop, because they’re critical of themselves. And if they’re critical of themselves, they’ll certainly be critical of you. Because they love to project, and they love to be critical of others because haven’t fully accepted themselves.

So if you’re in a relationship with a you are person, get ready to be attacked verbally pretty often.

It’s not going to be a isolated incident.

The first time they attack, they will make a generalization about who you are. You will always be the most something, like, “the most passive aggressive, most angry person I have ever met.”

They could live 50 years, they have known you for four or five weeks, you’ve done one thing that may or may not be passive aggressive, because we are all passive aggressive, we all have anger at times.

We all get annoyed.

We all get frustrated.

And we don’t need to be evaluated. We need to be accepted.

So if someone is a you are person, pointing a finger at you and telling you that you are the most angry person they have ever met, it’s highly unlikely that that’s the truth. Because deep down they can’t even accept themselves, so they can’t accept who you are.

Like I said, I’ve dated these people in my life.

It starts off with a harmless comment.

I’ll bring it up a day later in a conversation, and they’ll ignore it. I’ll say, “Am I really the most angry person you’ve ever met?” And they will just shrug their shoulders.

They won’t acknowledge that they said it.

Or, they will just kind of roll it off.

Then all of a sudden, later they are going to come up with yet another you are this, you are that and they will slowly try to erode your confidence and erode at who you are.

Confront them and they will tell you that they don’t like drama.

They will tell you that you’re creating drama when, in reality, they’re creating the drama by projecting themselves and their own insecurities onto you.

I don’t choose to insult people at all. I accept people for who they are.

I wouldn’t tell somebody who is in mediocre shape, “You are in the worst shape of anybody I’ve been with.”

I would never ever tell anybody, “God, you are always so tired at night, you’re like the most tired person I have ever met.”

A “you are” person is NOT somebody who is going to encourage you to do the best.

Because again, they want to bring you down to their level.

They are going to tell you things about yourself that are not very nice, things that you should never really defend because you know deep down that you are not that person anyway.

If you defend it, or you get into a fight with them, you are basically going down to their level.

To me, love is acceptance. It’s social acceptance. It’s spiritual acceptance. It’s emotional acceptance.

I’m not looking for somebody perfect. As a matter of fact, when I’m with somebody and I love them, I already know that they may or may not be everything that I want them to be, but I’m certainly going to accept them for everything that they are.

Because who they are is a wonderful flawed human being.

Maybe they are passive aggressive, but I’ll accept it. I’ll help them, I’ll work with them through it.

Maybe they are not the healthiest person I’ve ever been around, but I’ll offer my guidance, love, and support.

Because we are not here to judge people. We are not here to critically evaluate them. We are here to love people and love each other.