1. “Your brunette friend is beautiful.”
Hitting on my friend is an interesting approach. Does that work? Is that a thing?
2. “My aunt has horses.”
3. “I’m luring girls to my apartment with candy; which do you prefer, Skittles or M&M’s?”
Because I’ve always wanted to be on Dateline.
4. “I’m really rich.”
5. “I own my own business and was on a show called Millionaire Matchmaker; you’ve probably heard of it.”
I haven’t, actually.
6. “You look so much like my sister, and I really enjoyed your profile. We should grab drinks?”
7. “I’d like to take you out for dinner, but I don’t have a car. Can you come to Pasadena?”
I might drive to Pasadena for Ryan Gosling, but I’m pretty sure he has a car. And a girlfriend.
8. “We should go hiking sometime.”
So you can bury my dead body in the woods?
9. “I like horses, but I’m allergic. Is that okay?”
Are you suicidal?
10. “Hey, I’m new to online dating, but I just got out of a horrible relationship and I’m ready to meet someone new.”
Just call her. Tell her you’re sorry.