I have a rule, and when I follow it, it works out perfectly.
I call it 30/60/91/20, and it’s my foolproof way to expose someone for who they truly are. Here’s how it works.
The First 30 Days
When you meet someone new, you’re under the influence of love like there’s no tomorrow.
The person can literally murder somebody in front of you, and you won’t even notice it.
They’ll be cleaning the blood off the knife, and you’ll see the dead body in the kitchen, but they’ll tell you that a robber came in and did it.
Sorry if this example is too graphic, but it’s literally true.
You ignore warning signs like that. You don’t think to yourself, that could be your body one day, lying on the kitchen floor.
After 60 Days
Then, you can see things and behaviors repeat themselves. Maybe it’s another dead body in the kitchen. But whatever it is, you ignore it once again.
Why? Because you’re still under the influence of the love drug, and you want to ignore the really bad patterns that you’re seeing in this so-called wonderful human being.
The 90 Day Mark
And then, right at 90 days, something happens.
No, a dead body doesn’t appear. Instead, they do something to you, something that they used to do in past relationships.
And all of a sudden, it dawns on you: I’m just a continuation of their past fears and failures and stories.
And that gives you a moment to re-evaluate if this relationship truly is a love relationship.
You’re now finally seeing this person standing in front of you for who they really are.
They were good at masking it. They were good at covering up the dead body parts.
They were great in explaining why you needed to go to Costco for industrial chemicals and big garbage cans.
All of a sudden, something happens, and you see exactly who this person is. You see them for what they’re going to be like in a relationship.
They no longer keep up being the representative.
This is almost always true: Something happens right at 90 days. If I look back at all my relationships, there has always been something that happened at 90 days that I ignored.
I would always write it off as something.
She’ll learn to be more affectionate.
She’ll learn to be more compassionate.
I’ll become more attractive to her.
But now as I get older, I realize something.
I can’t ignore it anymore. I see them for who they are now. And they can’t keep up at all past the 90-day mark.
So it’s right at ninety days that you really have the chance to say to yourself, “Alright, this is the worst of them. Thank you for showing it to me. Thank you for showing me the worst side of you. Thank you for showing me the judgmental side of you.”
Thank the universe for bringing you that lesson, because it allows you to go and think for a couple of days about how you want to proceed.
You don’t want to have a relationship with someone who’se still stuck in their past. You don’t desire a relationship that has this type of behavior in it.
And Then 120 Days Come Around…
This should really happen around 90 days, but some people need 4 months. But after 4 months, that’s it. It’s time to put the big girl pants on and have that 120-day conversation.
Have the conversation that’s not easy, the conversation that you’re going to want to avoid and run away from.
I’ve got the kids this weekend, I can’t talk about it.
My best friend’s in town, I really can’t talk about it.
You know, I’m studying for this exam that I have on Tuesday. I don’t really want to talk about it.
You’re going to come up with excuses, excuses, excuses. But the longer you give somebody excuses for not confronting things, the more the person can actually see who you truly are.
Words start meaning nothing.
“I love you” just becomes a band-aid you put on the relationship.
You Need to Have the Conversation
If something truly goes down, the words “I love you” should be the last thing on your mind.
The first things that you need to talk about is the insecurities both of you are feeling at the moment, the triggers of both of your feelings, the things that actually went down.
The blanket “I love you” statement stops working. It’s wonderful that someone still loves you, but you can love somebody and have a terrible relationship.
I’ve been in relationships with people who have been absolutely wrong for me, but I loved them, and I would use the words “I love you.” But in reality it stopped meaning anything.
Because, unless you honor those words of “I love you,” it will continue to not mean anything.
Use the words “I love you” when you’re truly feeling free to love, when you’re truly feeling connected and seen, when you’re truly feeling heard.
And Now, You Have Your Decision
So that’s why you need to pay attention to how you feel as you progress, because right at the 90 or 120-day mark, you’re going to see the worst side of them.
And you either can accept the behavior – which I strongly suggest you don’t – or, you can actually work through that behavior and tell them this doesn’t work for you.
I strongly suggest that you actually talk through the behavior, because most of the time, that behavior is something that they’re bringing in from past relationships that have nothing to do with you.
And that behavior is not going to work for you. The dynamic that’s being created isn’t going to work for you.
That’s when the real work and the real relationship starts, because the shine is now off and now you’re both in a real relationship, and what happens between day 90 and day 180 is really what determines the future of that relationship and whether or not it can truly work.
Because in the beginning stages of it, you want to be with him, you want to love him, you want to be with him forever.
Well, great. Those are words based on beginning feelings. They’re beautiful feelings and I’m never going to discredit those feelings.
But… the real relationship is between day 90 and day 180. That’s when the real issues and the mirrors and the triggers come in. And you’ll see whether or not you guys can actually work through those issues, to see if you have a real relationship, see how loving and supportive you are of one another, and really understand how sensitive the other person may be.
That stage is so important. And yes, you might lose that person. That’s the bad news. But you’ll be better for it.
And here’s the good news. If you two can work through it, work through all your issues, what comes out on the other side is so amazing and beautiful. Because that is the only time when love – real love, not romantic fairy-tale love – can form and grow.