Relationships

How to deal after a big fight

A lot of people say if you’ve never failed, you’ve never really tried. I say if you’ve never fought, you’ve never really been in a relationship. Every relationship — both good and bad — has fights. So fighting doesn’t mean anything about the strength and quality of your relationship. The real test is how you make up and how you deal when the going gets tough.

Resolve it

Really, really resolve it. No sweeping your issues under the rug until you explode again. No getting tired of talking about it so you decide to forget about it. No telling him you overreacted when you really just reacted. You two need to fully resolve the issue that caused World War 3. Apologies need to be said, meant and accepted. Compromises need to be promised and fulfilled. And resolution needs to be found. If you’re not there yet, your fight isn’t over. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Plan ahead

Figure out how you can avoid a shoe-throwing, silent-treating, neighbors-are-telling-their-kids-to-cover-their-ears brawl again. Ask yourself, what caused this problem and how can it be avoided in the future? This might already be checked off your list with the compromise you came to above, but there could be more. Maybe it’s needing to communicate better. Maybe it’s setting boundaries. Maybe it’s just having a rule that he who eats the mac and cheese cleans his own bowl or has to sleep on the porch. Once the dust has settled, talk to your man about how you can avoid another fight like that.

Make a happy memory

OK, the fight is completely behind you now. You two need to get out and make a happy memory. Go apple picking. Have a pumpkin latte. Go on a hayride. (Can you tell I am excited for fall?) Make a memory with your man, and remember that you fight so hard with him because you love him so hard. Once you make the happy memory, that week doesn’t go down as the week of the massive fight. It’s the week you went to that haunted house together and both screamed like girls and laughed about it later. Such a better memory!

Have sex

Speaking of loving someone so hard, there is nothing better on this planet than make-up sex. Not chocolate. Not diamonds. Not even post-engagement sex. Make-up sex is its own kind of pleasure, and you need to revel in it.

I’m curious, how do you tell the difference between an end-the-relationship fight and a blow-up you two can make it through? Would love to hear your thoughts.

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  • Lola

    You’re my dating guru Patti! This post was exactly what I needed to hear.
    My “boyfriend” doesn’t deal at all. He just shuts down and avoids the situation and me. This is not fertile ground to continue on. He lied to me 3 times about the same thing even after concrete proof. It really blows. He came into my life at such the “perfect” time. I though he might be father material… I gave him a chance with me after knowing him for 5 years. I became more attracted to him after his persistence and caring. He even took me to Italy….3 months later it’s over for me. The constant lies and lack of communication don’t work for me. Better to know now.
    Patti-I need a pair and a spare!

    XO-Lola