Reader Betty Jo asks:
Why does my partner finish faster when I give him a blowjob or a handjob as compared to sex? Should I feel upset by this?
Dear BJ (come on that was funny! I set up that Betty Jo thing just for those initials. Ha ha, right? Fine I’ll stop),
Your partner is totally normal. There are many issues at play here. First of all, oral sex or a hand job is novel, whereas intercourse is the usual. And, novelty is exciting, everywhere, but particularly in the bedroom. Second of all, physiologically, there is more direct stimulation from oral sex or a hand job than from sex, no matter how many Kegels you do. Third of all, your partner doesn’t have to worry about anything with oral sex or a hand job. He is just relaxing and enjoying the sensations, so he feels them more intensely. With sex, though, he is always thinking about lasting long enough, staying hard enough, whether you’re enjoying yourself, whether you’re enjoying yourself enough that he should wait and last longer, whether you’re kind of bored so he should hurry, whether you’re going to change positions, whether you’re going to expect him to want to change positions, whether the kids are going to wake up, whether you still think about that guy you dated during your year studying abroad that was really ripped, and so forth.
Furthermore, many guys try to be “nice” and finish quicker to make oral or manual sex easier on you (which will also increase the odds that you do it again in the future), so he may be actively trying to be fast, in direct opposition to sex, where men try to be “nice” by lasting as long as they possibly can. As I’ve mentioned before, men often think that women want sex that takes forever; this is patently untrue but they still believe it.
So, thanks for writing in, and I assure you, you and your partner are normal. Tell him how lucky he is to have you, also. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Answers All Your Penis Questions.