I’m a professional matchmaker. Setting up people is my jam. I come from a long line of matchmakers. So, these set up skills basically came naturally to me. I feel like I was born knowing how to do this. But, if you want to be a matchmaker or just set up a new couple, there are really easy-to-learn skills you can pick up to make your matches more successful. Here are three of the easiest.
Ask about non-negotiables
There are certain things people won’t compromise on when it comes to a romantic partner. And I fully support this. I think everyone should have five non-negotiables and then be completely open to anyone who fits those parameters. So, ask each person for their non-negotiable list and be sure each person fits within the other’s specs. And you need to be specific. For example, if one of the non-negotiables is “good job,” ask what exactly that means. A certain salary? A certain field? A certain work-life balance? Or does “tall” mean over six feet or just taller than you? It’s important to know what definitely won’t work for each person if you want your set up to be a success.
Don’t apply pressure
I always tell both people I’m setting up that I think this match will work, but if not, there are plenty of other prospects out there. And that’s always true. The sea is big and there are plenty of fish in it. So, be positive about the set up, but not too positive. Don’t build up the match so you can keep expectations reasonable. And let each side know that if this date doesn’t turn into “the one,” you’ll keep your eyes open for other potentials boos. If you guarantee they’re going to be soul mates, anything less than immediate true love is going to feel like a dud. And let’s get real, even good first dates don’t feel like soul connections at first. So, give them a chance of enjoying a good date by not forcing them to think it’s going to be the best date of their lives. Applying too much pressure or build up really increases the chance for failure.
Let them come to you
When you’re the matchmaker of a couple, it’s really easy to get too invested in their relationship. You want updates after each date and news bulletins for each and every relationship milestone. Let me tell you, you’re not going to get that. It’s not that they’re not grateful, it’s that you’re not part of their relationship and those are really intimate details you’re expecting. Prying too much or demanding that information is eventually going to lead to them boxing you out entirely. While it’s totally cool to check in after the first date or casually ask how they’re doing every once in a while, you should generally let them come to you with news on their relationship. It’s not easy to butt out of a relationship you feel responsible for. And that’s true even for me, who’s set up tons and tons of couples, but it’s just the way you have to do it.
Hope that helps you in your quest to be a matchmaker. It’s not easy work, but it’s so rewarding. You’re making the world a more loving place! And that’s the best feeling in the world.