I’m somewhat of a repository for relationship complaints and secrets of all kinds. Even couples I don’t work with professionally feel like they can spill their secrets to me. It’s just a hazard of the job, I guess. One of the biggest “secrets” I hear from longtime married women is that their husbands don’t touch them any more. It’s really common. I hear from friends who haven’t had sex with their husband in months, some even years. And several women have told me that even if their husbands want to have sex, they don’t want to cuddle or hold hands any more. Obviously, this is a painful realization to have about your relationship, but there are explanations for it. And sometimes understanding why can help you find a solution to the issue. So, here are three very real reasons your husband won’t touch you any more.
He doesn’t know you want it
Long-term relationships go through ups and downs. There are times you feel closer to your partner and times you feel more distant. Times you get along and times you fight a lot. And, of course, times you’re intimate on a regular basis and times of intimacy droughts. When it comes to a physical intimacy drought, it’s really hard to pull a relationship out of it because it’s not as gradual as the other ups and downs. Being nicer to each other can happen subtly and feeling closer or more distant doesn’t necessarily involve doing anything. It just happens. But, with intimacy, one of you had got to make a first move. And if you aren’t initiating, he might not know that you’re ready to dip back into being physically intimate. Make it clear to him that you’re ready to turn the page to a chapter where you two cuddle, hold hands and have sex a lot. You can have a conversation or plan a sexy night together where you surprise him with lingerie and candles. Don’t be afraid to make the first move because without it, he might be clueless that you’re ready.
He’s battling something bigger
This might not have anything to do with you. It could be all about what’s going on for him emotionally or physically. The desire to be intimate is one of the first things to go when someone’s depressed. He might not even notice that he’s down to the point of not getting it up. If you think he’s been slipping into a depression, it’s worth gently bringing up and offering to support him through therapy and anything else he needs to feel like himself. On the other hand, it could be physical. Every man gets to a point in his life when it’s hard to have an erection. It really shouldn’t be embarrassing because it’s just a fact of life, but it really is. He might not bring it up to you because he doesn’t want to admit it. Be kind during this discussion. There are many solutions to this problem that you two can figure out together. But, you’re never going to get there unless you talk about it.
He’s getting it somewhere else
Here’s a really hard pill to swallow. The lack of intimacy could be a symptom of a much larger problem. For example, sometimes a man becomes disinterested in sex with his wife because he’s getting sex somewhere else. If the intimacy fell off very suddenly and your man has been cagey about his schedule, this could be the case. You’ll know deep in your gut if this is the case. Of course, this doesn’t mean an end to a marriage. Maybe happy marriages have overcome infidelity. But, it does mean some hard work and really tough questions if you want to stay together.
Of course, these aren’t the only reasons your husband isn’t touching you, but these are the three biggies I come across when I talk to couples who are dealing with this. Hope this helps identify the cause of your problem and jump starts working toward a solution. Remember, nothing is insurmountable if you both are willing to work on it.